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TYPES OF ABUSE

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, race, religion or sexuality, yet the problem is often
overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is verbal,
psychological and/ or financial, rather than physical/sexual. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an
abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear
of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the
following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.

Verbal
Abuse

• Name-calling


• Placing undue blame


• An overly critical spirit


• Resentment


• Slapping negative labels on personal traits or behaviors


• Responding with ridicule rather than encouragement


• Threatening physical harm


• Starting rumors that degrade reputation


• Angry outbursts


• Manipulation (“If you love me, you’ll do ____”)


• Withholding information


• Limiting access to finances or personal possessions


• Failing to display affection


• Refusing to acknowledge their spouse’s feelings


• Using sarcastic or mocking tones, even if the message itself is
  positive

Emotional Abuse

• Verbal threats


• Demeaning the partner in front of friends, family or strangers


• Name-calling and use of abusive language


• Constant criticism or humiliation


• Disproportionate anger or yelling to intimidate


• Irrational blaming of the partner


• Withholding affection, approval or appreciation as a punishment


• Obsessive jealousy and accusations of unfaithfulness


• Instilling in the partner the belief that “nothing he does will ever be good
  enough”


• Use of intimate knowledge (e.g. the partner has herpes) to generate
  vulnerability


• Abusing or threatening to abuse the partner’s children is included here when
  the intent is to emotionally harm the partner through the children


• Abusing or threatening to abuse pets is included here, again when the intent
  is to emotionally harm the partner through the pets


• Being irresponsible with money


• Using insults, sarcasm or sneering


• Laughing at the partner


• The abuser harming or threatening to harm himself/herself


• A special form of emotional abuse is called “crazy making”; examples of this
  technique are:


• Lying in order to confuse


• Blaming the partner for the abuse


• Telling tales and false stories or playing mind games


• Telling the partner he doesn’t know what he is talking about


• Manipulating the partner with words, ideas or lies


• Denying that statements or promises were made or that behaviors occurred,
  and telling the partner it’s all in his mind

Physical
Abuse

• Hitting, beating, choking, pushing, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting,
  punching, backhanding, arm twisting, shoving, kicking or burning


• Holding the partner down or preventing the partner from leaving


• Throwing and/or threatening with objects


• Locking the partner out of the home


• Refusal to get the partner help or medical attention


• Forced use of substances (e.g. alcohol and drugs


• Depriving the partner of medication


• Denying or interfering with the partner meeting his basic physical needs
  (e.g. eating and sleeping)


• Smashing, damaging, stealing or selling the partner’s possessions


• Threatening to use or the use of a weapon against the partner (e.g. hammer,
  knife, gun, etc.)


• Driving recklessly


• Punching walls or doors


• Stalking

Financial
Abuse

• Forbidding the partner to work


• Jeopardizing the partner’s employment by such tactics as excessive calls to
  work; creating conflict with co-workers, supervisor or clients; creating scenes
  with co-workers; forcing the partner to miss work through threats, injuries or
  coerced substance use


• Refusing to work, yet contributing to expenses


• Controlling shared resources, including bank accounts and common
  property


• Demanding the partner sign over paychecks or denying access to liquid
  assets, like mutual funds


• Demanding the partner account for all the money he spends


• Coercing the partner to pay for all expenses, including rent, food and
  utilities


• Stealing the partner’s property, such as valuables or assets


• Destroying or threatening to destroy the partner’s property as a means of
  affecting his financial situation


• Using the partner’s identity to charge expenditures to partner


• Taking credit cards, money or checkbook


• Forging the partner’s signature on financial documents

Sexual        Abuse

• Unwanted touching


• Demeaning remarks about the partner’s body or appearance


• Minimization of the partner’s sexual needs


• Berating the partner about his sexual history


• Demeaning remarks about the partner being too femme or butch


• Forcing sex or sexual actions on the partner without consent


• Using force or roughness that is not consensual, including forced sex
  (rape)


• Rape with an object


• Refusing to comply with the partner’s request for safe sex


• Coercing the partner into sex with others


• Purposefully and repeatedly crossing the partner’s sexual boundaries


• Violating an agreement for monogamy by having sex with others


• Exposing the partner to sexually transmitted diseases


• Treating the partner as a sex object


• Criticizing sexual performance or desirability


• Withholding sex as a punishment


• Unwanted sadistic sexual acts

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CYCLES OF INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse
  – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent
  behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."


• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but
  not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught
  and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.


• Excuses – Your
  abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a
  string of excuses or blame you for the abusive
  behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.


• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to
  regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing
  has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may
  give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.


• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize
  about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done
  wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy
  of abuse into reality.


• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in
  motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse
can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only
person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he
truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
(provided By Helpguide.org)

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