If you hadn't heard of a rainbow baby it is the child you have after you have lost a child in death. Jim and I can't have anymore children but my other daughter, Raechel is in the hospital in labor with what I consider my Rainbow Granddaughter. She will have her Aunt Ashleigh's middle name as her middle name. So grateful God has blessed me with this little girl who is coming today.
Aunt Ashleigh will always be your guardian angel!Happy Birthday to my sweet Laney Marie!!! I promise that you will not only be the light of my world but I will love you unconditionally, spoil you often but guide you when needed, and help you to recognize all the blessings God has to offer in this life.
Today we were truly blessed with your arrival. I love you with all my heart.
Meet Laney Marie, 8lbs 13oz, 21 1/2 in long. Laney means light of the world. And she has got MawMaw's dark hair. Lol --
Here I sit, another night alone. It has been exactly 18 months since my Ashleigh was murdered. I spent a lot of time today remembering her. The way she looked at me, how she talked to me, how she loved and cared about me. I have spent this evening going through a number of emotions. Depression, sadness, regret and guilt. The memories and emotions may change each day, but these as well as many others have been repeated many times over the last 18 months.
Life does not get any ...easier after someone you loved has been murdered. You just learn to deal with it. Many times in not so healthy ways. For me I just pull the memories and emotions of that day, of my daughter, out for all to see my love for her. I can function and do things during the day. I can function and be a mom to Raechel. When I am alone, I function but all of those feelings come to the surface, the ones from deep down inside. Well let’s just say they come up. They consume me and in some ways paralyze me. I am forced to face them and forced to try and deal with them. These are definitely the tough times, more often then not the tough nights that make up my life today.
You spend your life from childhood on up, trying to understand how to deal with all of your feelings and emotions. I am 44 now; You think in your 40's maybe you have some part of your life figured out. But then someone you love gets murdered and you are thrown into a tailspin. How do you deal? How do you come back? Nobody has the answers. Nobody.
I can sit here and preach on the emotions, the memories and the feelings that you will or may have. I only know what I am going through. I don’t know that it is or will be the same for anyone who has to go through something like this. I don’t even know if what I am going through is normal. I do not think how I am handling everything is the right way. I just know, for now, it works for me.
We go to court again in 2 days and the whole justice process weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing will bring her and her baby back. It feels like the whole world is on fire and all I have is a glass of water to extinguish the flames. I love and miss you Ashleigh Marie!!! Moments like these sometimes I think she is here beside me. I don't know why I just do.
I just want too be sure everyone here knows the article I posted last night was not me giving up. It was something I had been looking at myself for awhile now. It was not meant to discourage anyone....I would never want that at all. I hope you really read the article because I thought it was actually a positive. She was making a point that no were in the bible does it say God won't give you more than you can bare. My point is that I know this to be true. Ask anyone who has lo...st a child, go and look at post on grieving mothers groups on Facebook and you will see that the death of a child is more than any mother can bare.
There is a scripture though that the saying came off of 1Corinthians 10:13-- "No temptation has taken YOU except what is common to men. But God is faithful, and he will not let YOU be tempted beyond what YOU can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for YOU to be able to endure it."
The death of a loved one is not a temptation. It is a grueling, devasting, burden that is unbearable. When you loose a child to the horrors that I experience it changes everything you are and you are never that person again. Something that is barable doesn't change you in such a way.
The undeniable truth is and I tell people this all the time is........if I had my way I would have gone to bed and never got out. If I had my way, I would have been in that coffin buried with her right now. If I had my way, I would grieve myself to an early death. My heart does not bare this one tiny little bit.
But God and my Ashleigh did not allow me to do what I wanted and have my way. Ashleigh and Patience needed me to be their voice and seek justice. God needed me to take what was meant for evil and use it for his good. Honestly, at first I cried and screamed against it at first. I felt like how can you put more on me? Don't I have a big enough burden that I can not bare?
But I reached out to God and I knew Ashleigh and Patience had a purpose. In that moment and with the most heartfelt prayer I've ever said I told God I would do his will and not mine. And in that moment everything in life changed again. God immediately revealed these 2 scriptures. The first was used in the article...“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30) and then the second is.....Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.
I put my burden on Jesus and he gives me rest from what I can not bare. Also by doing that he renewed my strength and he gave me a purpose. He bares what is unbearable for me. Everyday I have to wake up and allow him to carry me, like the footprints poem says.
So, yes I personally believe there are things in life that are unbareable....whether it be things like being molested as a child, being beat by someone who claims to love you, the death of a loved one(especially a child) etc.... But I encourage all to threw that unbelievably, unbearable moment at God and allow him to carry you.
This is just my personal belief and experience. I hope it is uplifting and not discouraging.
This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.