My Ashleigh at 4 months old. I think a lot about Patience lately and what she would be like. She would be 4 months right now. I picture her as beautiful as her Mommy but with Aunt Raechel's temperament, trying to out do her cousins and she would have Jim so wrapped around her little finger. But then I think of the time here as temporary and I look forward to the eternity we will one day have together. My faith gives me hope! 

I have this song that Ashleigh loved stuck in my head today. It is probably because of what happened last night on Facebook. I can't fathom the kind of hate that took her life let alone others who threaten directly on her RIP. So everyone knows he did contact Jim and apologized for his behavior after he finally read what happened to her, Patience and Chad. I hope he has learned something and I will pray for him. 
"If everyone cared"......this one is for you Ashleigh. I will play it from underneath our pecan tree on the night of the meteor shower and know you are still watching the stars with me. You just get a better view now. And I will remember our conversations about God and the universe. I will think of how you wanted to change the world and your pretty little voice singing to me under the stars. How great your hugs were when we came in and said goodnight. Precious were those moments we shared under the stars, watching the moon eclipse, just us talking about everything. This song is like someone saw those moments and wrote a song just for us. This one is for you beautiful girl. I love you!
Nickel back *~*If Everyone Cared*~*

There are absolutely no words to describe the darkness that befalls you when your child dies. There is no light; the laughter in life is gone. Life goes from busy and noisy with the demands of family to the silence. You want to rise out of this world of death, past the whispered “that poor family” the endless"I'm sorry". The only problem is that life has no "normal"after you lose a child. We moved like zombies, no longer living life but living death. We found it impossible to inexplicably have Ashleigh stripped from ourlives, somehow deal with the permanence that she and the baby were murdered. Books told me that our family would get over these awful feelings. I didn't want toget over losing her. I prayed about it.  I just didn't believe that following the rules of death would bring us back to life again.

When we finally got through the shock stage & grief consumed me. Then I drifted into little reminders of Ashleigh's life. Her favorite song on the radio.Her favorite musical on cable. A favorite story shared by a friend. What might be painful encounters for many actually felt like little hellos to me.  It was a rebirth of the funny, active young woman with whom I wanted to stay in my heart, and further away from the details of the murder, which physically took her from our lives. The more I looked forsigns and symbols of Ashleigh's life, the more they came our way. Instead of spending my days in bed under the covers, I found myself looking for hope and a continued connection to our little girl. It would've been easier to say goodbye and let go of her place in our lives. Instead, we worked hard to find healthy ways to keep her close.

Some of the signs we've received over the past 9 months have been quite impressive, and we acknowledge them as confirmation that Ashleigh, our little guardian angel, is watching over us. The needs of her friends to escape the same violence. Rainbows at the most unlikely of times. Seeing her during my accident on the way to Raechel’s Wedding. Getting such blessings that kept passing her story along till finally now it is in Cosmo. And soon forever immortalized in song and a documentary. Along the way I hear Ashleigh tell me that she andGod are proud of the work we are doing.

I started to call our steps toward hope and healing, "moving forward but hanging on." Going on without Ashleigh & Patience cheated us all. Moving forward with them still spiritually and symbolically close was the true answer for our family. Following this path led us in a new direction on theroad of grief, one in which our daughters murder is saving others’ lives. We areliving life again, not death. I began telling the story of our journey back tolight and life after the darkest days we ever knew. It is not a tale of miracles that can bring back our beloved daughter and her baby or how moms canturn tragedy into triumph with a kiss on the forehead. It is, however, thetruth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much,you just can't say goodbye. I feel that it's especially true when the someone you've lost is your child.

Love you Ashleigh & Patience……Mommy