Went to the cemetery and tied a little purple bow to Ashleigh's head stone for October. Still miss her. The ground above the grass has all grown over it now. I just laid there with her for a while till I heard her voice in my head say "mom get up. I've done told you I'm not there." So I got up and smiled. I couldn't stay there like that forever and she would have kicked my butt if I had tried.
A friend of mine posted this today and tagged me in it. I'm blessed to have such supportive people with me. thought i would share it on the RIP. Ashleigh's legacy has been for the last year to break the cycle of violence. and even though we miss her daily we are thankful for the lives who have been saved by her. Bless you all.
“I said ... ‘I will not say anything while evil people are near.’ I kept quiet, not saying a word.... But my suffering only grew worse..., and I was overcome with anxiety. The more I thought, the more troubled I became; I could not keep from asking: ‘Lord, how long will I live? When will I die? Tell me how soon my life will end.’” (Psalm 39:1-4)
My friend Tara Woodlee is a advocate on Domestic Violence. We are having Candlelight –Vigil for Silent Victims of Domestic Violence on Oct. 19th.
I believe the first step in breaking free from abuse, whether it’s sexual or physical or verbal or emotional, is sharing with someone who can help you break free.
Jesus said in John 8:32, “The truth will set you free”. Freedom comes when you open up and admit your pain to someone else.
In a study of 10 nations, it was discovered that between 55 to 95 percent of women who have been abused by their partners have never told anybody, and men are even less likely to talk about it or get help.
Abuse is often called the silent epidemic because it’s the big, pink elephant in many marriages that nobody wants to talk about. People suffer in silence.
If anyone in the Bible understood abuse, it was King David. He was the king who wrote most of the book of Psalms and who also spent much of his life dealing with abuse, because there were people who wanted to hurt, kill, abuse, defame, and ridicule him — all kinds of abuse.
In more than 100 passages in the book of Psalms, David expresses his hurt, frustration, and anger at his enemies. He uses the word “enemies” nearly 100 times in the New International Version. He talks about the abuse that they heaped on his life.
But one of the things David modeled for us in these verses is this: Don’t hold it in. This is a classic response to abuse. David was afraid to talk about it in the presence of his abusers, but his silence only made it worse: “I kept quiet, not saying a word .... But my suffering only grew worse, and I was overcome with anxiety.”
If you are experiencing this right now, I want you to know that God cares about you. I care about you. And there is hope. You don’t have to stay in that cycle of pain, anxiety, and fear.
But first you’ve got to stop being silent. You’ve got to speak up and tell someone you trust. You’ve got to bring it into the light so that God can begin to lead you to healing.
I lost my daughter 14 months ago, but some days it still feels like a nightmare from which I cannot wake. I feel Ashleigh's absence everyday. From the moment I get up in the morning, the silence in the house is deafening and the space she once filled with her lively spirit now seems like a bleak emptiness Pictures of her are all over the house, but I don’t need them to remember her. I see her face in the bright eyes of every young chid, who’s full of dreams and happiness at t...he thought of the life that lay ahead. I hear her voice every time I start to falter in my goals, encouraging me to keep trying just as she did in life. Every time I look at my family when they are sad, I see all the pain, the heartache, and the sleepless nights those closest to Ashleigh still endure, and likely will for years to come.
I count the nights I’ve slept well since the crime in the dozens, while the times that I’ve struggled for every hour of rest I could grab from the dreams that would wake me with eyes wide in anger or horror, in the hundreds. As far as my emotional wellbeing goes, this crime has shaken me to my core and beyond. I’m sure with more time I’ll continue to get better, and become the person I had planned to be. Ashleigh never will though, and that will never leave my thoughts.
This night is another night of firsts in a long line the last year. Ashleigh was murdered on a Friday the 13th. The truly unluckiest day of my life. They made over half a dozen horror movies with the title of that day. They use to scare me as a kid. Nothing compares when the horror is real. When can still see you child bathed in blood. It haunts my every waking hour tonight.
Worst of all I just want to know...WHY? I would give anything if Joshua Mahaffey could just answer that one word. But he took his own life as well. Why kill her? Why kill himself? Why kill that baby? WHY??? I'm just hollering into the empty night. It is one of those questions in life that you will never get an answer too. And even if I did would it be enough. I doubt it.
Forgive me...tonight I'm just ranting. I know where she is and that I'm the one who remains in pain. Tonight is just one of those nights that are worse than others. Tonight is just a night to just let the tears go and just feel the rage. And when I've had enough I will pray to see her in my dreams tonight. To see her smiling and happy so tomorrow I can wake up smiling.
Ashleigh I miss you! I can never look at a Friday the 13th ever the same again.
Everyone has their own 9/11/2001 story. Where were they and what they were doing.....This is mine.........
I got up early to get Raechel and Ashleigh ready for school. We lived in Denison, TX during that time. Raechel was in the 7th grade(middle school) and Ashleigh was in 4th grade(elementary school) and the schools were clear across town from one another. We got in the car and put on the morning music. As we got up to the Middle school to let Raechel out the morning radio men broke in and said that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers. I remember saying out loud "that is not funny. They shouldn't joke like that."
Raechel said, "I don't think they are joking."
And without missing a beat Ashleigh, who was 9 at the time says, " It's Terrorist!"
I could see the fear on Raechel's face and I said, "no, it is just an accident." I kissed Raechel and let her out for school. Ashleigh crawled into the front seat.
Now, we are driving across town and I question Ashleigh on what she knows about Terrorist. Ashleigh looks at me and says, "well I remember when they blew up the building in Oklahoma City. Plus I heard you and Dad talk about people trying to blow up that building before. I'm telling you mom, it is Terrorist."
I thought, wow I really got to watch what you say around kids because she was diffenantly listening. Again, I tried to reassure her but then as we pulled up to her school they came on the radio again saying the second building had been hit but a plane. Ashleigh was all bounce in her seat, "I TOLD YOU IT IS TERRORIST, MOM!!!"
I looked at her and told her she was probably right. I debated taking her home but the school seemed unconcerned at that time so, I left her. Ashleigh was just jumping around telling all her friends, "the Terrorist were attacking." Most of them had no clue what she was talking about.
I went home to get ready for work. Of coarse the TV was on the whole time. I quickly got into my car to hurry to work. I worked at the local mall at Zales. Again they came on the radio and said the Pentagon was now struck and America was under attack. I got to work and of coarse the only people at the mall that day was us workers. Across the hall was a Foot Locker and they had their TV's on and many of us gathered there and watched the Towers burn and then collapse. Raechel called me at work crying when they fell. The classrooms had their TV's on and the kids were watching it to. Then mall management came around and said Malls across the country were receiving bomb threats and they had decided to close this mall for safety. That was around 11:30am. As I was closing the store Ashleigh called, the schools were closing as well. I picked up the girls and went home. I remember holding them thinking the world was coming to an end. You just don't know how long things will last.
I know this I will never forget that day and the little 9 year old girl who was sharp enough to figure out what was happening that day in an instant. She was just that smart. Every year she would remind me that she was right and how she was still so heartbroken for everyone who died that day. Her heart was just that big. I wish she was still here to remind me but since she isn't I thought why not share the memory. So, here it is.....not just my 9/11 story but hers as well.
— with Ashleigh Lindsey.
I can tell it is going to be one of those weeks already. Have a Statis Hearing this Thursday, with Joshua Scott over the knives made in his cell that more than likely get postponed again. I go to every hearing anyway because you never know what is going to happen. I got a bill in the mail again for Ashleigh. I would like to know.....how many times do I have to call these people and explain that my daughter is dead? She is not going to be able to pay that bill, I don't care how many statements you send me. I hate that I call them everytime and they say they are "so sorry" and will take care of the account, yet here we are.......just absolutely frustrating. Worst of all, this Friday will be the first Friday the 13th since Ashleigh passed away. I'm not sure how to feel, yet. Prayed about it a lot today. Sometimes certain emotions come, sadness, anger, hate, loneliness etc.......those times are easier to deal with than when you have Every Emotion hit you all at once. I think this week is going to be one of those that you just can't explain and only someone who has lost a child so violently can understand. I guess that is why I have relied on God so heavily. He knows what that is like to watch a child die so violently. Yet, Jesus did that willingly for us. Gave his life. I still consider myself blessed because I will be with Ashleigh again. I just miss her so much now!
This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.
Website by Ashleigh's Patience Project