Ashleigh's Patience Project

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Everything is Different

10/28/2013

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In two days we go back to court to hear Joshua Scott plea guilty to all charges in the deaths of Ashleigh, Patience & Chad. I pray he will not change his mind. I'm trying not to have my hopes up for an end to this part of the tragedy only to have it taken away at the last minute. The range of emotions I feel is unexplainable. It’s true what they say. The pain of losing a child is a hurt like no other. A little over One year later, I’ve yet to find the words to convey the enormity of the gaping, ragged hole that tore open inside of me when my child breathed her last. Since Ashleigh died, I have sometimes thought that I, too might simply stop breathing – that one day, with no warning, my heart might just stop beating and I’d keel over and that would be that. Because how can I be in this world without my daughter? How is that even possible? I don’t know yet. I’m not even close to figuring out how to be me without also being Ashleigh's mommy. I am not the same person I was before my daughter died. I am fundamentally different, and I know I always will be. No matter what’s going on around me, or how much joy I feel in my other child, or in my husband, family or friends, I now carry a tight, jagged coil of hurt inside of me all the time, and it’s hard to imagine that anything will ever make the raw void that I now feel any better.
Joshua Scott excepting life in prison will not bring back my Ashleigh and her baby. Seeking the death penalty won't bring them back either. The last few days I've become keenly aware that for so many during the next month after sentencing is over, there will be a type of closure for them and not for me. It is the nightmare I will never wake up from all of my living days. Without my belief that I will be with my daughter again nothing would make me get out of bed to function. Only God can give me back what I have lost. Not a guilty plea, not another's life and not the courts. I just don't feel the comfort I thought I would gain by the end of the trial. I miss you Ashleigh, now more than ever!
 
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Ashleigh's Story is Featured in a Blog

10/26/2013

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Part of Ashleigh's story featured on a Blog.....feel free to real and share. No one should have to live let alone die this way. Ashleigh was a great girl and would have been a good mom if give the chance. We miss her dearly! Please, educate you daughters, friends, sisters, ect....Abuse in a relationship is wrong and there is help. 

Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don't
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March in Her Shoes

10/17/2013

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Today I marched around the Oklahoma State Capital carrying a cut out that represent victims of domestic homicides in that state. It is called the Silent Witness. I did this march wearing my Ashleigh's purple sneakers. I am proud to be her mother, walk in her steps and be her voice so people and lawmakers can see how tragedy really effects us as a whole. I love my girls and they won't be forgotten.
Me with Ashleigh and Patience at the Silent Witness March on the OK Capital. — with Ashleigh Lindsey.

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Purple Warriors

10/16/2013

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Tomorrow is a big day for the family and friends of Ashleigh Lindsey. The morning will have family members who will be walking in a Domestic Violence fundraiser for a shelter, the afternoon will be full of interviews for the documentary, the evening will be a candlelight vigil in Ashleigh's hometown to honor her and so many other victims. Even if you can't participate in any of these events we are asking for your prayers and a show of support by wearing purple tomorrow. Purple is not only the color representing domestic violence awareness but it was Ashleigh's color. From the majority of her clothes, to the color on her walls in her bedroom, to her dark purple bedding, even her high schools colors in which their mascot is called The Purple Warriors and even her purple cross, our Ashleigh loved the color. God Bless everyone for your love and support. Tara
 

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 Random Thoughts of a Grieving Mother in a Wal-Mart                       (15 Months since passing away)

10/13/2013

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Today marks 15 months since I lost you beautiful girl! I miss you badly. This is my tribute to you on this anniversary. You are never far from my mind and heart. Love forever and always, mommy.

Random Thoughts of a Grieving Mother in a Wal-Mart

I hate going in here anymore. Ugh….just get in and out and I will be fine. I walk in the door and already I AM NOT FINE! Why do the young ladies clothing section have to be up front? Don’t look, don’t look. No, why did I look! Wow, t...hat is just too cute and the color would be so perfect with her skin tone. Ashleigh would just love this and it would be great with the shoes I got her back last……..
What are you doing? Just put it back on the rack. Don’t lose it and cry. Just get what you came for today. Ok, I will just get a cart and get some groceries. Start at the back and just work my way out. I got to get eggs, milk, cheese…oh look, string cheese! Why am I shaking? You know why, because every time Ashleigh and I were grocery shopping she would beg for string cheese. “Mommy please, please, please. It is only a quarter.” She would eat it as soon as we got to the car. Oh no, I’m crying and it’s over string cheese of all things. People are looking at you. Get it together! Shopping shouldn’t be this hard! Just hurry through the isle to the opposite side.
Ugh…..this is even worse. I’m in the BABY SECTION!!!!!!! How did I get here? Well, Raechel is pregnant and look at all the cute little girl things. This is pretty and this one too. Let’s get them. Yes, my grandbaby will need sleepers and booties and…….What is this? Babies first Christmas. I can get this pretty little dress and…no wait. The baby won’t be here till after Christmas. This would have been Patience’s first Christmas. Oh God another first of that precious baby’s life I am missing. I can’t buy these things. What if something happens? You still have all those Things you bought for Patience sitting at home that you have to look at and she never got to have. Can I do that again? You’re being stupid! Nothing will happen. Raechel is healthy. The baby is healthy. No, I still can’t, at least not today.
Hey, I haven’t seen her in a while. She is hugging me. Great! I need a hug right now. Just smile and be happy. Happy face, happy face. What did she really just ask me what I’ve been doing and just interrupt me? Yes, she did and just switched the subject. All I was talking about was how busy I’ve been with the organization. She almost looked panicked at the mention of Ashleigh’s name. Makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Ashleigh, Ashleigh, Ashleigh, ASHLEIGH!!!!! Let it go. You don’t know how to deal with losing Ashleigh half the time so why would I expect others to know how to respond. I just wish people wouldn’t act like she didn’t exist. I have lots of beautiful happy memories to share. Just nod and go about your shopping, Tara.
What is that song that is playing over the speakers? Will the Wal-Mart nightmare never end? She loved this song. Ashleigh sang this at the top of her lungs daily for a year back when she was 16 yrs. old. Hurry! Maybe, I can make it to the checkout before it ends. Of course, no such luck. The checkout girl recognizes me. That is nice she was a friend of my daughters and keeps up with her RIP Facebook. That is wonderful! She had a friend who left because of Ashleigh’s story. That makes this Wal-Mart trip bearable. Yes, Definitely worth the time. It was nice to hear her story of what my child meant to her. Roll out the door and to the parking lot. Sure wish you were here Ashleigh! I would make you unload this cart. LOL……smile and shut the trunk.
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Ashleigh Quotes

10/10/2013

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Last night I went back thru Ashleigh's facebook posts. They made me laugh and cry. She was a special kind of crazy and I am proud to be her mom. In honor of who she was I thought for Domestic Violence Awareness month I might share some of her status updates. I love and miss her so much. She was rotten.....lol.....but she had such a beautiful spirit.
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"i love the movie eat pray love!! i wanna spend the next several months figuring out how to be by myself and still be happy! before i can really love anyone else i have to love myself completely and unconditionally before anyone else can love me that way!"


Ashleigh Lindsey
Another typical Ashleigh saying.......posted by her back on 10/2/10. When she had things she didn't want to deal with at that moment she would pull the "Scarlett O'Hara" move. It was her favorite book and movie. Mine as well. Of coarse look at our names...(Tara & Ashleigh). She reminded me a lot of the character Scarlett from the book. So full of life and vivacious that people naturally flocked to her. I do miss my beautiful Ashleigh! Yet, tomorrow is another day. One tomorrow we will be together again.
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"Dude it's just watever at this point I'm gonna do wat I want and pull a scarlett o'hara and think bout that tomorrow!"


Ashleigh Lindsey
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    Subscribe to Ashleigh's Patience Project - Stolen Generatio

    Tara Woodlee

    This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.

    The murder of a child is even worse and puts you in a very exclusive club (for lack of a better term) and even more exclusive is to have your grandchild murdered as well. It is a STOLEN GENERATION at the hands of the man/father who was suppose to love and protect them.


    I have decided to share this journey so that other parents can see that what they feel is in no way wrong. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE! This is my personal journey.

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