Sometimes things hit you when you least expect them. I had decided that I wanted a different phone screen saver. I was looking for one I had of both the girls at Christmas. I came across this picture of Ashleigh and Thomas sleeping together on the couch. I totally forgot I even had taken it. I can't stop crying. I miss them both so much! Going to go spend sometime time with God till I feel better. — with Ashleigh Lindsey.
Yesterday we spent the day with the Ashleigh's Patience Project Documentary Team. We did interviews throughout Oklahoma with Ashleigh's roommates and her Crisis Councilor. I love this crazy bunch of people with all my heart. Those willing to participate and those working so hard to tell Ashleigh's story. I want to share 2 of the things that happened yesterday.
First, it was very hard during one part because we went back to the house were Ashleigh was shot. I was not there tha...t day but if seen the descriptions and photos of the crime seen. Where Ashleigh and Joshua Mahaffey were. I also remember what that crime seen looked like 3 days later when we went to go pick up Ashleigh's truck. They closed off the house because hazmat need to come in to clean it. Heather and Jim didn't want me to see that but.......well if you know me, you know I don't listen well once I get something in my head. I defied the police tape and went in to see. I HAD TOO SEE. I can't explain it any better than that.....anyway.......when taking the Documentary Team thru the house I found myself in that bathroom explaining positions and I could still envision the blood on the floors even though all of that had been replaced. But it was so surreal because I did it like and presented it like it was just facts. When Jim and I got in the car to move to the next location he was like "how did you do that? I'm proud of you. You are one strong woman." And my response to him was, "only God helped me just like that day in the hospital. Plus Ashleigh did not die there. Ashleigh denied Joshua Mahaffey with all her strength not to die there with him. I am proud of her on that level as her mother. Josh died there not her and I'm glad he is dead." For me that bathroom is a symbol of Ashleigh's strength to fight even with the tragic outcome later. At that moment she was glorious in her battle even though it was the most terrifying of her life. That is how I was able to do that yesterday.
Second, we hit a bad place for a location there in Ardmore and needed a new you. Everyone was trying to come up with ideas. It looked bad there for a minute. Then, I think it was Crystal, thought maybe we could find a bookstore that would have an area private that we could use. She put in bookstores on her phone and called the first one. They graciously said yes. The place is called Ashley's Bookstore, there in Ardmore, OK. I immediately looked up and said thank you God and Ashleigh. For me it was a sign. A beautiful sign that brought joy to my heart. The owner is an incredible lady and I can't thank her enough for opening her business in such a way. It was my blessing for the day and I just wanted to share.
Tonight is the 16 month anniversary of my Ashleigh's murder. Words can not express the pain of missing her but I will try. Mommy misses you Ashleigh and I will love you forever!
Damaged is my destiny....of pain without you.
Did you ever think a mother could love you so much?
The pain I felt to bring you into the world was nothing compared to the loving peace in your eyes.
I will my Ashleigh always and forever will be true because what's me without you?
Damaged is my destiny.......
The pain you felt that night was the pain of me dying inside of you .
That night the pain you felt was me committing suicide in my soul to be with you forever.
Now it is like night with out its moon, summer without its sun.
Damaged is my destiny.....
That peace you felt that night was the peace of me smiling but dying inside to be with you for all time. That peace you felt was me ending the world for both us in giving you a choice.
Giving you peace is the one thing in my life I won't regret.
Damaged is my destiny....
That pain that we both felt that night was the pain of the world crying for me not to let go.
That pain the world felt that night was the pain of us both ending the world in pain yet in exquisite peace.
The world ended in peace just the way we wanted to do.
That was the night that the world ended FOREVER in peace for you and pain for me.
This is my damaged destiny me without you!
This morning Ashleigh's dad and I went to church. Not unusual but today was different. Before Ashleigh died we use to all sit together up towards the front. Most of the time we were the front row....most people avoid the front but since I'm short and Jim is half deaf we liked it because we could hear and see better. Lol Anyways after Ashleigh died I had to sit at the back during Sunday Service. I cried a lot especially those first 6 months or so and just didn't want everyone to see me crying. Also I could step out easily if I needed too. Today, Jim and I looked at each other and decided it was time. Time to move back up and sit were we as a family with our daughters sat. I thought I would have cried the first time but I didn't. Actually it was quite the opposite! I felt such great joy. Jim did as well. For some reason it felt like Ashleigh was next to me like she was every Sunday. I felt a burden lift from both my husband and I at church today. I can not real explain it better than that it just felt good. It one point I thought I could hear her voice....."mom, it was about time!" Now thinking about going to the choir practice for the Christmas program. Something inside me again says it is time.
This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.
Website by Ashleigh's Patience Project