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New Years Eve....Reason For Peace (What Should Have Been Patience Lynn's 2nd Birthday)

12/31/2014

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I have a box tucked in the back of Ashleigh's closet with things bought for Patience Lynn, a white Winnie the Pooh onsie and blanket she will never use, infant rattle and a sonogram of her on my refrigerator. There is no other earthly record of her short life. Some might even debate whether he had been a life at all.
Only the parents of a miscarried or stillborn child understand the magnitude of the bonding, which occurs in the womb and the loss felt at the death of a fetus. Jim and I have tried to have children of our own only to experience 3 miscarriages. Afterward there were the daily reminders: pulling a seatbelt across my now smaller abdomen, baby things put up for now; nausea, once my constant companion, now gone; the confused looks of others I had not seen in awhile when they saw I was no longer pregnant. I became painfully aware at the birth of babies who would have been their peers. I felt the horror of my child lost to me somewhere on earth, lost to me in heaven, or worse, a nothing? I was surprised at the magnitude of loss for the children (Jude, Abigail & Jamie) I had never seen with earthly eyes. I had accepted the death of their earthly vessels. I cried quietly to myself for months. Then to lose Ashleigh so horrifically and her unborn daughter, Patience, as well at time is like poring salt into a wound.
I felt Patience move in her Mommy's belly. Saw the joy and excitement it brought to Ashleigh's glowing face. Watched in awe her movements during a sonogram. Ashleigh was so sick but yet eager and full of pride. During the end, I watched Patience's final heartbeats on a hospital monitor, alone. The image haunts me till this Very Day. Actually, it is worse today because it should have been her birthday.
 When I think of Patience this scripture come to mind.....
"For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.  My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.' (Psalm 139:14-16)
 This subject of loss and how to handle grief and comforting those who grieve is so near & dear to my heart. I once heard it said that you can’t measure grief by the number of gestational weeks of the pregnancy. In Dr. Seuss’ “Horton Hears A Who”, Horton sums it up best when he says, “a person’s a person, no matter how small”.
One thing I think is really important is to understand the nature of grief itself. The problem is that dealing with loss is so foreign to most people that it’s rare to have someone empathetic enough to just come up and and express love and use your child’s name thus recognizing both your pain and their existence.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle to overcome is the common belief that we will eventually “get over” the loss, or move on, especially when there are other children or a new one comes along. It’s hard for some people to understand why there is a groups of moms who get together once a year for a lunch in memorial of our angels a year, 2 years and 13, or 30 years later, fresh tears may fall on the anniversary of our child’s death. Even my Pastor did not understand the magnitude of my grief and not knowing how to help he would ask; “Do you need to see a therapist?”
This question made me mad. And in my head I thought, “No, I just need my baby back”. Tired of grieving, I wanted answers and peace. Thru those long months I was brought to my knees in prayerful agony. I abandoned the formality I had been taught as a child to address our Father in Heaven. I railed angrily at Him. Chest heaving with no tears left in my broken heart, I begged please, please, tell me if I would know my child/all my Children, will be together again? Are they together now with my granddaughter as well? 
I came across this definition of grief that I think explains it best:

Grief is often thought of to be a period of time in which someone is sad over the death of one with whom they had a close relationship. It is not that simple. Grief is not a behavior. Mourning is a behavior that occurs within grief. Generally people believe that when the socially recognized period of mourning has ended, so does grief. Grief continues, with episodes of mourning. Grief is not a condition that can be treated. Grief can precipitate deep depression and physical ailments, which are often treatable, but grief itself cannot be treated. One cannot engage in a series of exercises to “get over it”. Grief represents a life change. When one has experienced the deat of someone close to them the environment of their life changes. Just as adulthood or marriage or career represent changes, grief represents changes. Grief is not a desired change however. When it occurs, a person is bereaved for life. Bereavement is a status represented by periods of grief and mourning. Recognizing that 1) there is no time limit to grief and 2) that grief changes who a person is, makes dealing with grieving people more understandable.
Over time, my grief received comfort in the knowledge that all my children(Ashleigh, Jude, Abigale, & Jamie) are living in Heaven with Jesus, watches over us. This includes my Granddaughter Patience Lynn. It is so painful to not have her here and having a big Birthday party today. I always thought 2 year old Birthdays were one of the best because they can open their own presents and have such joy on their faces. I wont see that joy for a very long time. Importantly is the promise God has made to me.... I am his Mawmaw and she is my grandchild. I believe I have the promise of knowing him in the next life. A loving God holds our earthly sense of belonging in His merciful hand. Today I read my answer in the Bible and finally I was at peace.
My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord. 

But I will call this to mind,
as my reason to have hope:
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted,
his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the Lord, says my soul;
therefore I will hope in him. 
 --   Lamentations 3:17-18, 21-24

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One Life Can Change The World.....

12/25/2014

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I wanted to share something I read that impacted me this Christmas Day.

Christmas is a time when, together with millions of people around, we pause to reflect on the power of one life. More than any other holiday, Christmas teaches us the value of life. Part of the beauty of the Christmas story is the underlying humility – God sent His son to be born in a manger. He could have come as a conquering king, with all the trappings. But instead God chose to teach us that one life – no matter how humble the beginnings – can change the world.
Isaiah says something profound in predicting the impact of this one life unto US a child is born. His words reflect a truth that while a child may come into a family by marriage, by birth or by adoption, a child is a gift to us all, as the ripple effect of a life well lived changes all who are touched by him or her.
 When we are children we are usually still focused on getting. As we get older those lists start to take on the significance of being a chronicle, an inventory of those who are integral to our very existence—those who bring meaning to our days; who laugh with us, and share our sorrows.Our Christmas lists are not really about stuff to buy, but people to honor. The list is Life. The list is people we love.
Do you ever wonder who we are missing?
My life would not have been the same without the wonderful memories of days spent enjoying the simple pleasures of just being together with my family and friends.I miss my Grandparents,Noel and Jeannie Whitwood, my Dad, John Douglas, my Niece, Katelynn Woodlee.....but most of all my daughter Ashleigh and granddaughter, Patience Lynn.
 Merry Christmas to all our loved ones not here with us. These are the people who impacted generations in my life. Now they are with the one who impacted us all Christ Jesus, and he will bring us back together.

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A Birthday Letter......Ashleigh's 23rd Birthday

12/1/2014

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Today is your birthday, Ashleigh Marie. You will not be here to celebrate with me. I can't pick up the phone to tell you what I want to say, so I'll get on my hands and knees and bow my head and ask God to send you this birthday message:

My Leigh Love,

                      Today you would have been 23, but you're not. You are forever 20. I wanted to call you, I wanted to take you out to eat to celebrate your birthday extravaganza. I wanted to make jokes at your expense and laugh until my sides hurt. I wanted to go to Walmart and pick out some CRAZY gift that you would NEVER use, just to see the look on your face. Just so we could bust out laughing at how completely silly we are when we're together. But there is NO laughter, there is only silence. If I could have one wish, it would have been to hear your voice. I promise I wouldn't take you away from the place that needs you now, but I would want to hear you laugh. A big BOOMING laugh that would come down from the Heavens and spread throughout the world. If I could just have that one wish, everyone in the world would smile at the same time, even the ones who NEVER smile. You always had that affect on everyone. You were the only person who could make me laugh and smile and giggle no matter what!! This is for you my Daughter:
I wish you a Happy Birthday! I want to laugh when I think of you Today but its mostly I cried. I thought about you and tears rolled down my face. I'll think about your silly jokes and want to laugh so bad but I know its just a memory. I am glad from each and everyone one. As the days go by, I hope the tears begin to dry but everytime I say your name it always makes me cry. Time is supposed to heal me at least that's what everybody says but time is taking way too long. For each day that passes,I can not have you here is just another lonely day. My eyes are filled with tears. So, while you're up there waiting don't forget to save my place eventually I'll be there with a smile upon my face.

Happy Birthday my little girl!!!!!! You are loved FOREVER!



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    Subscribe to Ashleigh's Patience Project - Stolen Generatio

    Tara Woodlee

    This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.

    The murder of a child is even worse and puts you in a very exclusive club (for lack of a better term) and even more exclusive is to have your grandchild murdered as well. It is a STOLEN GENERATION at the hands of the man/father who was suppose to love and protect them.


    I have decided to share this journey so that other parents can see that what they feel is in no way wrong. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE! This is my personal journey.

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