Here I sit, another night alone. It has been exactly 18 months since my Ashleigh was murdered. I spent a lot of time today remembering her. The way she looked at me, how she talked to me, how she loved and cared about me. I have spent this evening going through a number of emotions. Depression, sadness, regret and guilt. The memories and emotions may change each day, but these as well as many others have been repeated many times over the last 18 months.
Life does not get any ...easier after someone you loved has been murdered. You just learn to deal with it. Many times in not so healthy ways. For me I just pull the memories and emotions of that day, of my daughter, out for all to see my love for her. I can function and do things during the day. I can function and be a mom to Raechel. When I am alone, I function but all of those feelings come to the surface, the ones from deep down inside. Well let’s just say they come up. They consume me and in some ways paralyze me. I am forced to face them and forced to try and deal with them. These are definitely the tough times, more often then not the tough nights that make up my life today.
You spend your life from childhood on up, trying to understand how to deal with all of your feelings and emotions. I am 44 now; You think in your 40's maybe you have some part of your life figured out. But then someone you love gets murdered and you are thrown into a tailspin. How do you deal? How do you come back? Nobody has the answers. Nobody.
I can sit here and preach on the emotions, the memories and the feelings that you will or may have. I only know what I am going through. I don’t know that it is or will be the same for anyone who has to go through something like this. I don’t even know if what I am going through is normal. I do not think how I am handling everything is the right way. I just know, for now, it works for me.
We go to court again in 2 days and the whole justice process weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing will bring her and her baby back. It feels like the whole world is on fire and all I have is a glass of water to extinguish the flames. I love and miss you Ashleigh Marie!!! Moments like these sometimes I think she is here beside me. I don't know why I just do.
Life does not get any ...easier after someone you loved has been murdered. You just learn to deal with it. Many times in not so healthy ways. For me I just pull the memories and emotions of that day, of my daughter, out for all to see my love for her. I can function and do things during the day. I can function and be a mom to Raechel. When I am alone, I function but all of those feelings come to the surface, the ones from deep down inside. Well let’s just say they come up. They consume me and in some ways paralyze me. I am forced to face them and forced to try and deal with them. These are definitely the tough times, more often then not the tough nights that make up my life today.
You spend your life from childhood on up, trying to understand how to deal with all of your feelings and emotions. I am 44 now; You think in your 40's maybe you have some part of your life figured out. But then someone you love gets murdered and you are thrown into a tailspin. How do you deal? How do you come back? Nobody has the answers. Nobody.
I can sit here and preach on the emotions, the memories and the feelings that you will or may have. I only know what I am going through. I don’t know that it is or will be the same for anyone who has to go through something like this. I don’t even know if what I am going through is normal. I do not think how I am handling everything is the right way. I just know, for now, it works for me.
We go to court again in 2 days and the whole justice process weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing will bring her and her baby back. It feels like the whole world is on fire and all I have is a glass of water to extinguish the flames. I love and miss you Ashleigh Marie!!! Moments like these sometimes I think she is here beside me. I don't know why I just do.
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