Ashleigh's Patience Project

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Everything is Different

10/28/2013

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In two days we go back to court to hear Joshua Scott plea guilty to all charges in the deaths of Ashleigh, Patience & Chad. I pray he will not change his mind. I'm trying not to have my hopes up for an end to this part of the tragedy only to have it taken away at the last minute. The range of emotions I feel is unexplainable. It’s true what they say. The pain of losing a child is a hurt like no other. A little over One year later, I’ve yet to find the words to convey the enormity of the gaping, ragged hole that tore open inside of me when my child breathed her last. Since Ashleigh died, I have sometimes thought that I, too might simply stop breathing – that one day, with no warning, my heart might just stop beating and I’d keel over and that would be that. Because how can I be in this world without my daughter? How is that even possible? I don’t know yet. I’m not even close to figuring out how to be me without also being Ashleigh's mommy. I am not the same person I was before my daughter died. I am fundamentally different, and I know I always will be. No matter what’s going on around me, or how much joy I feel in my other child, or in my husband, family or friends, I now carry a tight, jagged coil of hurt inside of me all the time, and it’s hard to imagine that anything will ever make the raw void that I now feel any better.
Joshua Scott excepting life in prison will not bring back my Ashleigh and her baby. Seeking the death penalty won't bring them back either. The last few days I've become keenly aware that for so many during the next month after sentencing is over, there will be a type of closure for them and not for me. It is the nightmare I will never wake up from all of my living days. Without my belief that I will be with my daughter again nothing would make me get out of bed to function. Only God can give me back what I have lost. Not a guilty plea, not another's life and not the courts. I just don't feel the comfort I thought I would gain by the end of the trial. I miss you Ashleigh, now more than ever!
 
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    Tara Woodlee

    This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.

    The murder of a child is even worse and puts you in a very exclusive club (for lack of a better term) and even more exclusive is to have your grandchild murdered as well. It is a STOLEN GENERATION at the hands of the man/father who was suppose to love and protect them.


    I have decided to share this journey so that other parents can see that what they feel is in no way wrong. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE! This is my personal journey.

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