My child, Ashleigh was my heart. When I see purple flowers, I can't help but think of her. Her memory comes over me in waves. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her eyes in softened waves of blue water. Sometimes, I think these waves can fill oceans and I can see my hearts feelings on every shore. I have collections of each memory and every way I wish we had more time. Sometimes I watch for answers, each day I call out to her. "Mommy misses you and loves you." Everyday I pray to God. I ask for faith and courage And strength …to help me by till the day I'm back with her. Sometimes I ask for bravery because time moves ...oh so slowly! Sometimes I want to scream that this was not what I had planned! Sometimes I hear your laughter and I remember her joking and playing. I always miss Ashleigh! Not sometimes, but everyday! Why she ever suffered as Her mom I just can't understand.
I tell people this all the time who do not understand.........A family is like a body. When a family loses a loved one, it is as if they have lost one of their limbs. The contribution that was made by the family member that was lost can never be replaced. That person is gone. Ashleigh is gone! What she brought to the family is gone. Is it important for the family to take time to grieve for this loss. Doing so is a matter of respect for Ashleigh that she passed away. That she is still remembered. It is also a step that the family must take to acknowledge its loss. If we do not take the time to honor Ashleigh, it is as if we are saying that she didn't matter to us.
There is no word, no label, no identifying maker for the mother who has lost a child. I am not a widow, not an orphan, not childless, but one child less. One granddaughter less as well. One less open laugh and little baby girl giggling. One less artful, winking manipulation from Ashleigh's eyes to get what she wants from you. One less word of comfort from her when I was down and one less grateful big hug. One less chance to embrace a daughter and one less new life to carry your eyes, your chin, your grin, your name. No one word for the pain, the longing, the brevity of a life meant for living! A divine soul meant to grow older than mine! Would there be any one price too high, any sacrifice too great, for one more moment, one more breath, one more warm touch. I grasp desperately and sense the closeness - the ONE just at the fingertips of my heart and mind, only to realize again and again and again, there is no "One"............Ashleigh is gone, Patience near born and I am - less.