February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month so talk to your kids about abusive relationships. Watching a child be abused and murdered is not how you want your child to see love as during their lives. I should know
My sister recently found this picture of Ashleigh with my niece Evee when she was about a year old. During this last week with the joy of a new Grandbaby I've become painfully aware of everything I have missed out on with Ashleigh and Patience. I should be putting pictures like this up on my Facebook wall of an older Ashleigh with her little one year old Patience Lynn. She would have been such a great mom! I love and miss her so much.
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month so talk to your kids about abusive relationships. Watching a child be abused and murdered is not how you want your child to see love as during their lives. I should know
Meet Laney Marie, 8lbs 13oz, 21 1/2 in long. Laney means light of the world. And she has got MawMaw's dark hair. Lol --
Here I sit, another night alone. It has been exactly 18 months since my Ashleigh was murdered. I spent a lot of time today remembering her. The way she looked at me, how she talked to me, how she loved and cared about me. I have spent this evening going through a number of emotions. Depression, sadness, regret and guilt. The memories and emotions may change each day, but these as well as many others have been repeated many times over the last 18 months.
Life does not get any ...easier after someone you loved has been murdered. You just learn to deal with it. Many times in not so healthy ways. For me I just pull the memories and emotions of that day, of my daughter, out for all to see my love for her. I can function and do things during the day. I can function and be a mom to Raechel. When I am alone, I function but all of those feelings come to the surface, the ones from deep down inside. Well let’s just say they come up. They consume me and in some ways paralyze me. I am forced to face them and forced to try and deal with them. These are definitely the tough times, more often then not the tough nights that make up my life today.
You spend your life from childhood on up, trying to understand how to deal with all of your feelings and emotions. I am 44 now; You think in your 40's maybe you have some part of your life figured out. But then someone you love gets murdered and you are thrown into a tailspin. How do you deal? How do you come back? Nobody has the answers. Nobody.
I can sit here and preach on the emotions, the memories and the feelings that you will or may have. I only know what I am going through. I don’t know that it is or will be the same for anyone who has to go through something like this. I don’t even know if what I am going through is normal. I do not think how I am handling everything is the right way. I just know, for now, it works for me.
We go to court again in 2 days and the whole justice process weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing will bring her and her baby back. It feels like the whole world is on fire and all I have is a glass of water to extinguish the flames. I love and miss you Ashleigh Marie!!! Moments like these sometimes I think she is here beside me. I don't know why I just do.
I just want too be sure everyone here knows the article I posted last night was not me giving up. It was something I had been looking at myself for awhile now. It was not meant to discourage anyone....I would never want that at all. I hope you really read the article because I thought it was actually a positive. She was making a point that no were in the bible does it say God won't give you more than you can bare. My point is that I know this to be true. Ask anyone who has lo...st a child, go and look at post on grieving mothers groups on Facebook and you will see that the death of a child is more than any mother can bare.
There is a scripture though that the saying came off of 1Corinthians 10:13-- "No temptation has taken YOU except what is common to men. But God is faithful, and he will not let YOU be tempted beyond what YOU can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for YOU to be able to endure it."
The death of a loved one is not a temptation. It is a grueling, devasting, burden that is unbearable. When you loose a child to the horrors that I experience it changes everything you are and you are never that person again. Something that is barable doesn't change you in such a way.
The undeniable truth is and I tell people this all the time is........if I had my way I would have gone to bed and never got out. If I had my way, I would have been in that coffin buried with her right now. If I had my way, I would grieve myself to an early death. My heart does not bare this one tiny little bit.
But God and my Ashleigh did not allow me to do what I wanted and have my way. Ashleigh and Patience needed me to be their voice and seek justice. God needed me to take what was meant for evil and use it for his good. Honestly, at first I cried and screamed against it at first. I felt like how can you put more on me? Don't I have a big enough burden that I can not bare?
But I reached out to God and I knew Ashleigh and Patience had a purpose. In that moment and with the most heartfelt prayer I've ever said I told God I would do his will and not mine. And in that moment everything in life changed again. God immediately revealed these 2 scriptures. The first was used in the article...“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30) and then the second is.....Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.
I put my burden on Jesus and he gives me rest from what I can not bare. Also by doing that he renewed my strength and he gave me a purpose. He bares what is unbearable for me. Everyday I have to wake up and allow him to carry me, like the footprints poem says.
So, yes I personally believe there are things in life that are unbareable....whether it be things like being molested as a child, being beat by someone who claims to love you, the death of a loved one(especially a child) etc.... But I encourage all to threw that unbelievably, unbearable moment at God and allow him to carry you.
This is just my personal belief and experience. I hope it is uplifting and not discouraging.
Today has not been easy. I've tried to stay busy making a quilt. I've been working on it for a couple of days now but today my mind dwells on little Patience. Ashleigh's due date was today a year ago. I should be celebrating her First Birthday. How great would it be to be born on New Year's Eve? Especially when she got older. I can picture her in my head and I smile because I just know in my heart she would have been so much like her mother.
We have been thru a lot for the sake of our little granddaughter. We had to fight hard in court for her to be recognized as a life, a real person and not just some blob or fetus. It was a challenge. Ashleigh left to protect that baby because she believed that little life deserved a chance. I must have wrote over a hundred emails/ letters trying to be sure the laws on Fetal Homicide are preserved. I had abortionist get ugly with me about a woman's right to choose. To them it was all political. And on the other side, I contacted many right to life groups for help and not a one responded. My grand child's death was not political enough for them, I guess. Really is sad. But we won all the way to the Oklahoma Supreme Court. Thank you, God. But the worst yet best validation came from the judge during Joshua Scott's sentencing. I saw little Patience die on the sonogram. I described it in the best detail I could for the court. What I saw was pain in that final moment. No one will ever convince me that is not what Patience experienced at death. People want to argue when a baby in the womb can feel, well I know for sure at 16 wks she felt. A part of the evidence introduced at sentencing was of coarse autopsy photos. I did not look at them but we discover one was of Patience on the metal autopsy table. The Judge acknowledge that between my statement and that picture, which very much disturbed him, and Oklahoma's laws that she was a real person, a baby. And during the sentencing he when he got past Chad and Ashleigh he said, and for the unborn child identified as Patience Lynn.......that meant everything to me. All this time for the last year and a half in court they would just say unborn child. But she had a name, a beautiful name picked out by her mother. He honored her life by using her name.
Now in a few more weeks I will be blessed by the arrival of my second grandchild. Patience will alway be my first. A little girl! I can not wait to see and hold this Grandbaby. But there are moments were nothing helps the things you lost. One person can not replace the other.
On New Year's Eve people reflect on the past year and try to start anew. But every News Years Eve from this day forward I will spend reflecting on Patience Lynn. Will she be anything like I have imagined in my minds eye......I don't know. But oh won't it be the greatest adventure the day I meet her and find out. Till then I love you, Patience Lynn and I love and miss your mommy everyday!
Today, it has been 17 months since Ashleigh's murder. This was the statement I gave before the court befor Joshua Scott was Sentenced to 3 counts of Life without Parole to run consectutively. During these many months of waiting we have been blessed by lots of love and support.
As a child Ashleigh was a loving free spirit. She loved to read and be read to everyday. Her Favorite book is a very well-known children’s book called Where The Wild Things Are. Most of us have read this book as a child or to our children. The Book tells the story of Max, a rambunctious and sensitive boy who feels misunderstood at home and escapes to where the Wild Things are. Ashleigh was my Max. Max lands on an island where he meets mysterious and strange Monsters whose emotions are as wild and unpredictable as their actions. The Wild Things desperately long for a leader to guide them, just as Max longs for a kingdom to rule. When Max is crowned king, he promises to create a place where everyone will be happy. Max soon finds, though, that ruling his kingdom is not so easy and his relationships there prove to be more complicated than he originally thought. Max longs after a while to come home and when the Monsters find out they try to devour him because they Quote, “Love him so!” Yet Max makes it home to his mother.
Where the Wild Things Are is a metaphor to Ashleigh’s life and the relationships she developed with Joshua Scott and Mahaffey. They all lived together; Ashleigh and Mahaffey were a couple and Joshua Scott as their roommate. But Ashleigh couldn’t rule the monsters in the house. During the course of the relationship Joshua Mahaffey begin to physically abuse Ashleigh. The slapping, Josh Mahaffey put her head through a wall three separate times. He burnt her multiple times with cigarettes. Shook her like a rag doll, threw things at her. Got her fired from two jobs, because he didn't trust her to be out of his sight. Once he even stabbed himself multiple times to keep her from leaving. He ripped her clothes off her two times. He stole her birth control because he wanted her pregnant, destroyed and set fire to her belongs, and raped Ashleigh. And what did Scott do? He watched!
The first time Ashleigh came home because she left Mahaffey she was already pregnant. She desperately wanted things to change. Mahaffey called me wanting to come over and work things out but my husband Jim was not home so I told him no. That is he could call Jim the next day and see what he says. But Joshua Scott and Mahaffey showed up at my home anyway at 10:30 at night. Ashleigh and I heard them pull up and without knocking they tried to open the door and just walk right in but the door were locked. Mahaffey was trying to beat down the door while Scott was holding of our dogs. I called the police. When the police arrived Mahaffey took off on foot leaving Scott behind. Scott was released and they searched for Mahaffey but dint pick him find him.
The next day Scott called Ashleigh worried because Mahaffey hadn’t turned up. Ashleigh put that call on speaker so her dad and I could hear the conversation. Scott was wanting Ashleigh to come back saying he was their friend and loved them both. Ashleigh flew into a rage. She said, “You are not my friend. How dare you pretend to be my friend! Friends don’t just sit there and watch someone be abused and put their headphones on and ignore what’s happening. You got off on watching, you sick Bastard! You are not my friend!” and she hung up the phone on him in tears.
Ashleigh did end up going back to Mahaffey but it only lasted for a period of two weeks. Again Mahaffey beat Ashleigh and tied her to the bed and wouldn’t release her till she pretended that they would work it out and the proof of her word was sex. Again Scott ignored what was happening in that house. My daughter escaped and hid. This time she didn’t come home. Both Scott and Mahaffey were calling me telling me Ashleigh had disappeared and that they didn’t know what had happened to her. The fact is they both knew because Ashleigh left a note. I had to file a missing persons report to find my daughter. When the police showed up to question Mahaffey he hid under the house while Scott lied to them about his whereabouts. Now Mahaffey was missing and Scott started calling me trying to convince me to drop the missing persons report because Mahaffey and Ashleigh had run off and gotten secretly married. That was a lie.
Ashleigh turned up and pressed charges on Mahaffey. I took Ashleigh to get a PO and she started working with the crisis control center. She was hiding between Heather Lara’s house and staying with other friends. Her dad and I begged her on many occasions to come home but she couldn’t. Ashleigh said, “Mom he, Joshua Mahaffey, said if I came home that they would come over and kill you all and rape my sister. I’m afraid of them and I believed Josh.” I had no idea how right she would be. Over the next month and a half we tried to protect Ashleigh all we could. Since the Josh’s could not get a hold of Ashleigh they called and texted me day and night. Even after I quit answering it continued. Anywhere from 5 to 20 a day. They were relentless. Then the Josh’s created fake Facebook accounts. I started copying and keeping records of all the harassment and activity. Not only Ashleigh but her father and I as well where calling the police constantly reporting everything they were doing. Anna from the Crisis Center was helping as well. The Josh’s would pretend to be people who went to high school with Ashleigh and asked if they knew how to get a hold of her. Some of who confronted them and then they got harassed and threatened as well. The Josh’s were having these fake conversations on Facebook to purposely through the police off from where Mahaffey really was. “Hey how is the beach?” “you should come down here.” But, Mahaffey was in Cleburne, TX somehow he was finding out Ashleigh’s new numbers, her new friends, where she lived and worked. That was because Joshua Scott was here following, watching and enlisting others to help stalk down my daughter.
During the week of the 4th of July things had gotten to a point that we were convinced that these young men would kill our daughter .It was spilling now over to Ashleigh’s roommate, at her jobs and our other daughter, Raechel as well. She was receiving hang up calls at work and then Scott contacted her. When Ashleigh was told what happen with her sister she began to cry uncontrollably. She said that was a message sent to her that they were coming for Raechel and I. She begged me not to let anything happen to her sister. To tell Raechel not to listen or trust Joshua Scott that he was a sick pervert would hurt her.
At this point we were begging the police to please pick up Joshua Scott because he was the key to finding Mahaffey. We were desperate! So desperate that her father and I were showing pictures all over the county to catch them.
On July 12th & 13th good collided with Evil and the Monsters won. Scott the 12th killed Chad Page picked up Mahaffey hunted down Ashleigh and murderer her and that baby. Joshua Scott wants to say his hands are clean of Ashleigh’s Death but I believe his are the dirtiest of all. Mahaffey had a history of this kind of behavior with women and since the death of my daughter I have been contacted by many of his friends saying that they didn’t understand why Scott just didn’t tell him to move on that Ashleigh wasn’t worth the hassle. That is what they had done with the other girls friends Mahaffey had and he did just move on. Scott couldn’t allow that to happen. If Chad Page calling him a “punk” was enough to execute him then how much more would he have wanted to Kill Ashleigh?
Most of Ashleigh and Mahaffey’s fight were because Ashleigh wanted Mahaffey to throw Josh Scott out. She did not want a roommate especially once she found out she was pregnant. How much more would he want her died just over not returning the phone of his she had? How much more when she called him a “sick Bastard”? Mahaffey was hiding with family who were taking him to church and trying to help him Move On. Scott couldn’t just leave him there. Especially since Mahaffey promised so much. And here is what I believe to be the real motive…..the plan was to do this all in such a way to leave Mahaffey holding the bag and Scott to walk away blaming all the murders on Mahaffey. Mahaffey told Heather on the phone in which she recorded the conversation and gave to police that once he killed himself and Ashleigh that he would leave all his belongings, house, boat ect…to Joshua Scott. That his mom was helping him write that in his Will.
My daughter’s murder was no unknown fact to Joshua Scott. This was a murder spree and more would have died that day if Mahaffey wouldn’t have fallen on that gun and Scott could have gotten to it.
The morning before Ashleigh died I saw the Facebook post from the night before that Joshua Scott had left. 2 pictures. The first one was a gun. The gun that happened to be used already to kill Chad with and a new photo of Scott. You see normally his hair was like you she now but the day of the 12th he had shaved it into a Mohawk and died it red. I immediately said to my husband they, the Josh’s, just declared War and our daughter. I think any parent would have felt that way from that picture. I called Ashleigh and warned her about the gun. I begged her to please be careful. Told her we would call the police and tell them about the post. It was the last time I heard my daughter say, “I Love you, Mommy!” Jim did call the police and they said that they couldn’t do anything over a picture on face book. I was panicked and tried to call Ashleigh back before she went to work only to have John Coleman answer the phone and tell me Ashleigh had been shot and to get there quick. And whom do I hear in the back ground but Joshua Scott telling John, “Don’t tell anyone I’m here.” The phone went dead.
Half way there we found out Ashleigh had been shot in the head. When I got there I will never forget my daughter's beautiful face, it was forever ruined. Her face was distorted from the massive swelling, her eyes black and blue. Speckles of blood spot like blisters all over her face. Ashleigh's right hand was so burnt from trying to block the last shot that it was burned clear down to her elbow. The blood was everywhere including on the wall behind her. You literally had to search for an inch of her skin to touch that was not coved in blood. At one point she went Code Blue, and I had to make the painful decision to have her revived. Her Dad, Jim was with me in the room as they brought Ashleigh back. I made that choice hoping our little Patience could survive. We waited, and then the doctors came in and said, Ashleigh would never recover and there was nothing they could do to save her. She was brain dead. We also waited for an OB/GYN Specialist hoping our precious Ashleigh could be kept on machines long enough to give our unborn granddaughter, Patience Lynn a chance at life. The sonogram revealed her tiny baby heart was failing. I saw little Patience last heartbeat. Her little back arched and her limbs went stiff and her tiny toes spread apart and then suddenly she went limp and moved no more. Once Patience was truly gone, I was left alone with my daughter.
Ashleigh's poor little body had been through enough. I could see the scars on her arm, five or six of them from Joshua burning her with cigarettes. I took her blood stained hand into mine and brushed what little of her hair that wasn't soaked in blood. I bent down close and said-”If you are holding on for the baby you don't have to any longer. If this is too hard it's Okay for you to go. It is all right. Don't worry about your mommy I will be Okay." Within fifteen seconds her heart stopped. I had the nurse get her dad and sister. Ashleigh passed away in peace and quiet.
Since that day we have endured a lot waiting for this day to arrive. I could not bury Ashleigh they was I wanted because the condition of her body. After you lose a child people don’t know how to talk to you anymore. Friends avoid you and it changes every relationship you have with someone. We have missed Ashleigh’s 21st bday and just 10 days ago her 22nd as well. The holidays are bad but especially with the loss of Patience. Patience was due on New Year’s Eve. This would have been her first Christmas and bday. I missed her first word, tooth, crawl and step. I’ve missed watching what a beautiful mother Ashleigh would have been. She would have been a strict but fun mom. The reason Ashleigh named her that was because she told me, “mom God didn’t grant me with Patience as a virtue so I’m going to name my daughter Patience to remind me to always have Patience with my daughter and her to have Patience with me being her mother.” We laughed because it was so true but wonderful that she felt like being a loving patient mother. Lynn is mine and her sister’s middle name being passed on. I miss little things like the smell of her hair and her funny jokes. How she could make anyone feel better about themselves. How we use to talk every day. Watching musicals with her and the singing. Oh to hear her sing. She would break out in a song no matter where she was because music was everything to her. Hearing her play piano and guitar to her little snort when she laughed too hard. All of that are just memories now.
But one of the worst things has been this whole court process. The watching and waiting and never being able to speak out. But I’ve got something to say to you today Josh Scott. The day we were told that you and your lawyer were ready to talk a plea day meant something more to me than you could ever comprehend. That day Craig Ladd told us that if any of us in that room which included the Page family said no then we would continue pursuing the death penalty and the discussion would be over. Chad’s family and ours said that if you were willing to plead Guilty, not no contest but Guilty to All charges then we could live with a plea bargain. We all had many different reasons for this but 2 of mine were #1 that I had no desire to have your family watch you die away like we watched Ashleigh. #2 As a Christian it was an extension of forgiveness and mercy by giving you a full life. Under Biblical law and the laws of the State of Oklahoma, what you deserve is the death penalty. I gave you forgiveness from what you deserved but that doesn’t mean that no punishment should be involved. You took the life of 4 people during those 2 days of shameless murder. One you should be charged for and are not and that is for Joshua Mahaffey himself. You are responsible for his death as well. You gave him a gun knowing full well he was going to kill himself with it.
Any way as I see it the Page family and my family granted you mercy that day and what did you do? You walk into this court and Plead No Contest! And then your lawyer has the tenacity to ask for charges to be dropped. And somehow in the DA’s mercy he let it go and gave you that instead of going back to what you deserved which are the death penalty. You took our mercy and generosity and tossed it away like garbage. And to make matters worse that night I see your lawyer, Mr. Jones on the news saying you were never willing to plead guilty. So you lied and manipulated the families, the Da and this court to get what you wanted. Now you are her asking this court for more mercy! What mercy did you show my family when you harassed us day and night? What mercy did you show Ashleigh in the constant stalking and fear she endured? Or during the abuse she suffered at the hands of Mahaffey? What mercy did you show Mahaffey when you handed him a gun to kill himself let alone Ashleigh and the baby? What mercy did you show Chad when you shot him in the head? No Mr. Scott you have been shown enough mercy.
Please your honor Joshua Scott’s plea of No Contest has given him ownership of the truth, yet without accountability. He wants you to think he just “ loved Ashleigh So” but he is the monster of our dreams who devoured my Ashleigh and Patience, the most innocent victim and they never came home to their mom. What is worst of all the monsters cut off my family line thru Ashleigh. They robbed my family of generations of children that would see Grandma Ashleigh, to great grandma Ashleigh and on down the line. Once this generation of my family passes on and dies Ashleigh and Patience will be forgotten. It is worse than a life sentence for my family. Both Scott and Mahaffey have children that will pass down their family line. Someone their mothers can look at and see their sons in them. They stole that from me during their cowardly murder spree. I need to know that he will never get out and do this again. I need to know my family is safe from ever being harmed. Give him the harshest sentence possible and let me take my daughter home as a victim no more but as a child beloved by a mother who has to fear no more from the monster.
ATTENTION.......TODAY'S SENTENCING ON THE ASHLEIGH MURDER TRIAL........
We are finally home. It was a long afternoon. I gave my Victim Impact Statement along with others in my family and Chad Paige's family. I will post that statement tomorrow for everyone to read. I was up all night writing it and I did find the inspiration I was looking for in Ashleigh's Room. Anyway this was the sentence from the Judge. On the murder of Chad Page...Life without Parole. On the murder of Ashleigh Lindsey....Life without Parole. On the murder of Patience Lynn....Life without Parole. All counts are to run consecutively. Tonight KXII and KTEN they will run the stories. Joshua Scott still has 10 days to file for an appeal on the sentence. I have no doubt he will do that but for now I got to look him in the eye and say all the things bottled up inside. None of this will bring back my Ashleigh and my little Patience but for now I am satisfied. Please share to get the word out so those who loved her will see!
All for you and that baby Ashleigh Marie, mommy kept the faith and God held me up thru it all. I love you!
Whenever I’m alone, you always come to me & take me in your arms, whenever I’m alone. I always hear your voice, whispering in my ears Those words which you tell me, “I love you dear mommy."
Whenever I’m alone, & lost in the darkness of this world
You are always there to hold my hands & lead my way.
Whenever I’m alone, I always feel you sitting beside me
holding me loving & saying “I’m always your daughter."
Then I realize I never am alone, you are always beside me. I love you dearest Ashleigh! Your dad and I have not forgotten the love and joy you brought to our lives. Happy Birthday
Sometimes things hit you when you least expect them. I had decided that I wanted a different phone screen saver. I was looking for one I had of both the girls at Christmas. I came across this picture of Ashleigh and Thomas sleeping together on the couch. I totally forgot I even had taken it. I can't stop crying. I miss them both so much! Going to go spend sometime time with God till I feel better. — with Ashleigh Lindsey.
Yesterday we spent the day with the Ashleigh's Patience Project Documentary Team. We did interviews throughout Oklahoma with Ashleigh's roommates and her Crisis Councilor. I love this crazy bunch of people with all my heart. Those willing to participate and those working so hard to tell Ashleigh's story. I want to share 2 of the things that happened yesterday.
First, it was very hard during one part because we went back to the house were Ashleigh was shot. I was not there tha...t day but if seen the descriptions and photos of the crime seen. Where Ashleigh and Joshua Mahaffey were. I also remember what that crime seen looked like 3 days later when we went to go pick up Ashleigh's truck. They closed off the house because hazmat need to come in to clean it. Heather and Jim didn't want me to see that but.......well if you know me, you know I don't listen well once I get something in my head. I defied the police tape and went in to see. I HAD TOO SEE. I can't explain it any better than that.....anyway.......when taking the Documentary Team thru the house I found myself in that bathroom explaining positions and I could still envision the blood on the floors even though all of that had been replaced. But it was so surreal because I did it like and presented it like it was just facts. When Jim and I got in the car to move to the next location he was like "how did you do that? I'm proud of you. You are one strong woman." And my response to him was, "only God helped me just like that day in the hospital. Plus Ashleigh did not die there. Ashleigh denied Joshua Mahaffey with all her strength not to die there with him. I am proud of her on that level as her mother. Josh died there not her and I'm glad he is dead." For me that bathroom is a symbol of Ashleigh's strength to fight even with the tragic outcome later. At that moment she was glorious in her battle even though it was the most terrifying of her life. That is how I was able to do that yesterday.
Second, we hit a bad place for a location there in Ardmore and needed a new you. Everyone was trying to come up with ideas. It looked bad there for a minute. Then, I think it was Crystal, thought maybe we could find a bookstore that would have an area private that we could use. She put in bookstores on her phone and called the first one. They graciously said yes. The place is called Ashley's Bookstore, there in Ardmore, OK. I immediately looked up and said thank you God and Ashleigh. For me it was a sign. A beautiful sign that brought joy to my heart. The owner is an incredible lady and I can't thank her enough for opening her business in such a way. It was my blessing for the day and I just wanted to share.
Tonight is the 16 month anniversary of my Ashleigh's murder. Words can not express the pain of missing her but I will try. Mommy misses you Ashleigh and I will love you forever!
Damaged is my destiny....of pain without you.
Did you ever think a mother could love you so much?
The pain I felt to bring you into the world was nothing compared to the loving peace in your eyes.
I will my Ashleigh always and forever will be true because what's me without you?
Damaged is my destiny.......
The pain you felt that night was the pain of me dying inside of you .
That night the pain you felt was me committing suicide in my soul to be with you forever.
Now it is like night with out its moon, summer without its sun.
Damaged is my destiny.....
That peace you felt that night was the peace of me smiling but dying inside to be with you for all time. That peace you felt was me ending the world for both us in giving you a choice.
Giving you peace is the one thing in my life I won't regret.
Damaged is my destiny....
That pain that we both felt that night was the pain of the world crying for me not to let go.
That pain the world felt that night was the pain of us both ending the world in pain yet in exquisite peace.
The world ended in peace just the way we wanted to do.
That was the night that the world ended FOREVER in peace for you and pain for me.
This is my damaged destiny me without you!
This morning Ashleigh's dad and I went to church. Not unusual but today was different. Before Ashleigh died we use to all sit together up towards the front. Most of the time we were the front row....most people avoid the front but since I'm short and Jim is half deaf we liked it because we could hear and see better. Lol Anyways after Ashleigh died I had to sit at the back during Sunday Service. I cried a lot especially those first 6 months or so and just didn't want everyone to see me crying. Also I could step out easily if I needed too. Today, Jim and I looked at each other and decided it was time. Time to move back up and sit were we as a family with our daughters sat. I thought I would have cried the first time but I didn't. Actually it was quite the opposite! I felt such great joy. Jim did as well. For some reason it felt like Ashleigh was next to me like she was every Sunday. I felt a burden lift from both my husband and I at church today. I can not real explain it better than that it just felt good. It one point I thought I could hear her voice....."mom, it was about time!" Now thinking about going to the choir practice for the Christmas program. Something inside me again says it is time.
In two days we go back to court to hear Joshua Scott plea guilty to all charges in the deaths of Ashleigh, Patience & Chad. I pray he will not change his mind. I'm trying not to have my hopes up for an end to this part of the tragedy only to have it taken away at the last minute. The range of emotions I feel is unexplainable. It’s true what they say. The pain of losing a child is a hurt like no other. A little over One year later, I’ve yet to find the words to convey the enormity of the gaping, ragged hole that tore open inside of me when my child breathed her last. Since Ashleigh died, I have sometimes thought that I, too might simply stop breathing – that one day, with no warning, my heart might just stop beating and I’d keel over and that would be that. Because how can I be in this world without my daughter? How is that even possible? I don’t know yet. I’m not even close to figuring out how to be me without also being Ashleigh's mommy. I am not the same person I was before my daughter died. I am fundamentally different, and I know I always will be. No matter what’s going on around me, or how much joy I feel in my other child, or in my husband, family or friends, I now carry a tight, jagged coil of hurt inside of me all the time, and it’s hard to imagine that anything will ever make the raw void that I now feel any better.
Joshua Scott excepting life in prison will not bring back my Ashleigh and her baby. Seeking the death penalty won't bring them back either. The last few days I've become keenly aware that for so many during the next month after sentencing is over, there will be a type of closure for them and not for me. It is the nightmare I will never wake up from all of my living days. Without my belief that I will be with my daughter again nothing would make me get out of bed to function. Only God can give me back what I have lost. Not a guilty plea, not another's life and not the courts. I just don't feel the comfort I thought I would gain by the end of the trial. I miss you Ashleigh, now more than ever!
Part of Ashleigh's story featured on a Blog.....feel free to real and share. No one should have to live let alone die this way. Ashleigh was a great girl and would have been a good mom if give the chance. We miss her dearly! Please, educate you daughters, friends, sisters, ect....Abuse in a relationship is wrong and there is help.
Today I marched around the Oklahoma State Capital carrying a cut out that represent victims of domestic homicides in that state. It is called the Silent Witness. I did this march wearing my Ashleigh's purple sneakers. I am proud to be her mother, walk in her steps and be her voice so people and lawmakers can see how tragedy really effects us as a whole. I love my girls and they won't be forgotten.
Me with Ashleigh and Patience at the Silent Witness March on the OK Capital. — with Ashleigh Lindsey.
Tomorrow is a big day for the family and friends of Ashleigh Lindsey. The morning will have family members who will be walking in a Domestic Violence fundraiser for a shelter, the afternoon will be full of interviews for the documentary, the evening will be a candlelight vigil in Ashleigh's hometown to honor her and so many other victims. Even if you can't participate in any of these events we are asking for your prayers and a show of support by wearing purple tomorrow. Purple is not only the color representing domestic violence awareness but it was Ashleigh's color. From the majority of her clothes, to the color on her walls in her bedroom, to her dark purple bedding, even her high schools colors in which their mascot is called The Purple Warriors and even her purple cross, our Ashleigh loved the color. God Bless everyone for your love and support. Tara
Today marks 15 months since I lost you beautiful girl! I miss you badly. This is my tribute to you on this anniversary. You are never far from my mind and heart. Love forever and always, mommy.
Random Thoughts of a Grieving Mother in a Wal-Mart
I hate going in here anymore. Ugh….just get in and out and I will be fine. I walk in the door and already I AM NOT FINE! Why do the young ladies clothing section have to be up front? Don’t look, don’t look. No, why did I look! Wow, t...hat is just too cute and the color would be so perfect with her skin tone. Ashleigh would just love this and it would be great with the shoes I got her back last……..
What are you doing? Just put it back on the rack. Don’t lose it and cry. Just get what you came for today. Ok, I will just get a cart and get some groceries. Start at the back and just work my way out. I got to get eggs, milk, cheese…oh look, string cheese! Why am I shaking? You know why, because every time Ashleigh and I were grocery shopping she would beg for string cheese. “Mommy please, please, please. It is only a quarter.” She would eat it as soon as we got to the car. Oh no, I’m crying and it’s over string cheese of all things. People are looking at you. Get it together! Shopping shouldn’t be this hard! Just hurry through the isle to the opposite side.
Ugh…..this is even worse. I’m in the BABY SECTION!!!!!!! How did I get here? Well, Raechel is pregnant and look at all the cute little girl things. This is pretty and this one too. Let’s get them. Yes, my grandbaby will need sleepers and booties and…….What is this? Babies first Christmas. I can get this pretty little dress and…no wait. The baby won’t be here till after Christmas. This would have been Patience’s first Christmas. Oh God another first of that precious baby’s life I am missing. I can’t buy these things. What if something happens? You still have all those Things you bought for Patience sitting at home that you have to look at and she never got to have. Can I do that again? You’re being stupid! Nothing will happen. Raechel is healthy. The baby is healthy. No, I still can’t, at least not today.
Hey, I haven’t seen her in a while. She is hugging me. Great! I need a hug right now. Just smile and be happy. Happy face, happy face. What did she really just ask me what I’ve been doing and just interrupt me? Yes, she did and just switched the subject. All I was talking about was how busy I’ve been with the organization. She almost looked panicked at the mention of Ashleigh’s name. Makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Ashleigh, Ashleigh, Ashleigh, ASHLEIGH!!!!! Let it go. You don’t know how to deal with losing Ashleigh half the time so why would I expect others to know how to respond. I just wish people wouldn’t act like she didn’t exist. I have lots of beautiful happy memories to share. Just nod and go about your shopping, Tara.
What is that song that is playing over the speakers? Will the Wal-Mart nightmare never end? She loved this song. Ashleigh sang this at the top of her lungs daily for a year back when she was 16 yrs. old. Hurry! Maybe, I can make it to the checkout before it ends. Of course, no such luck. The checkout girl recognizes me. That is nice she was a friend of my daughters and keeps up with her RIP Facebook. That is wonderful! She had a friend who left because of Ashleigh’s story. That makes this Wal-Mart trip bearable. Yes, Definitely worth the time. It was nice to hear her story of what my child meant to her. Roll out the door and to the parking lot. Sure wish you were here Ashleigh! I would make you unload this cart. LOL……smile and shut the trunk.
Went to the cemetery and tied a little purple bow to Ashleigh's head stone for October. Still miss her. The ground above the grass has all grown over it now. I just laid there with her for a while till I heard her voice in my head say "mom get up. I've done told you I'm not there." So I got up and smiled. I couldn't stay there like that forever and she would have kicked my butt if I had tried.
A friend of mine posted this today and tagged me in it. I'm blessed to have such supportive people with me. thought i would share it on the RIP. Ashleigh's legacy has been for the last year to break the cycle of violence. and even though we miss her daily we are thankful for the lives who have been saved by her. Bless you all.
“I said ... ‘I will not say anything while evil people are near.’ I kept quiet, not saying a word.... But my suffering only grew worse..., and I was overcome with anxiety. The more I thought, the more troubled I became; I could not keep from asking: ‘Lord, how long will I live? When will I die? Tell me how soon my life will end.’” (Psalm 39:1-4)
My friend Tara Woodlee is a advocate on Domestic Violence. We are having Candlelight –Vigil for Silent Victims of Domestic Violence on Oct. 19th.
I believe the first step in breaking free from abuse, whether it’s sexual or physical or verbal or emotional, is sharing with someone who can help you break free.
Jesus said in John 8:32, “The truth will set you free”. Freedom comes when you open up and admit your pain to someone else.
In a study of 10 nations, it was discovered that between 55 to 95 percent of women who have been abused by their partners have never told anybody, and men are even less likely to talk about it or get help.
Abuse is often called the silent epidemic because it’s the big, pink elephant in many marriages that nobody wants to talk about. People suffer in silence.
If anyone in the Bible understood abuse, it was King David. He was the king who wrote most of the book of Psalms and who also spent much of his life dealing with abuse, because there were people who wanted to hurt, kill, abuse, defame, and ridicule him — all kinds of abuse.
In more than 100 passages in the book of Psalms, David expresses his hurt, frustration, and anger at his enemies. He uses the word “enemies” nearly 100 times in the New International Version. He talks about the abuse that they heaped on his life.
But one of the things David modeled for us in these verses is this: Don’t hold it in. This is a classic response to abuse. David was afraid to talk about it in the presence of his abusers, but his silence only made it worse: “I kept quiet, not saying a word .... But my suffering only grew worse, and I was overcome with anxiety.”
If you are experiencing this right now, I want you to know that God cares about you. I care about you. And there is hope. You don’t have to stay in that cycle of pain, anxiety, and fear.
But first you’ve got to stop being silent. You’ve got to speak up and tell someone you trust. You’ve got to bring it into the light so that God can begin to lead you to healing.
I lost my daughter 14 months ago, but some days it still feels like a nightmare from which I cannot wake. I feel Ashleigh's absence everyday. From the moment I get up in the morning, the silence in the house is deafening and the space she once filled with her lively spirit now seems like a bleak emptiness Pictures of her are all over the house, but I don’t need them to remember her. I see her face in the bright eyes of every young chid, who’s full of dreams and happiness at t...he thought of the life that lay ahead. I hear her voice every time I start to falter in my goals, encouraging me to keep trying just as she did in life. Every time I look at my family when they are sad, I see all the pain, the heartache, and the sleepless nights those closest to Ashleigh still endure, and likely will for years to come.
I count the nights I’ve slept well since the crime in the dozens, while the times that I’ve struggled for every hour of rest I could grab from the dreams that would wake me with eyes wide in anger or horror, in the hundreds. As far as my emotional wellbeing goes, this crime has shaken me to my core and beyond. I’m sure with more time I’ll continue to get better, and become the person I had planned to be. Ashleigh never will though, and that will never leave my thoughts.
This night is another night of firsts in a long line the last year. Ashleigh was murdered on a Friday the 13th. The truly unluckiest day of my life. They made over half a dozen horror movies with the title of that day. They use to scare me as a kid. Nothing compares when the horror is real. When can still see you child bathed in blood. It haunts my every waking hour tonight.
Worst of all I just want to know...WHY? I would give anything if Joshua Mahaffey could just answer that one word. But he took his own life as well. Why kill her? Why kill himself? Why kill that baby? WHY??? I'm just hollering into the empty night. It is one of those questions in life that you will never get an answer too. And even if I did would it be enough. I doubt it.
Forgive me...tonight I'm just ranting. I know where she is and that I'm the one who remains in pain. Tonight is just one of those nights that are worse than others. Tonight is just a night to just let the tears go and just feel the rage. And when I've had enough I will pray to see her in my dreams tonight. To see her smiling and happy so tomorrow I can wake up smiling.
Ashleigh I miss you! I can never look at a Friday the 13th ever the same again.
Everyone has their own 9/11/2001 story. Where were they and what they were doing.....This is mine.........
I got up early to get Raechel and Ashleigh ready for school. We lived in Denison, TX during that time. Raechel was in the 7th grade(middle school) and Ashleigh was in 4th grade(elementary school) and the schools were clear across town from one another. We got in the car and put on the morning music. As we got up to the Middle school to let Raechel out the morning radio men broke in and said that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers. I remember saying out loud "that is not funny. They shouldn't joke like that."
Raechel said, "I don't think they are joking."
And without missing a beat Ashleigh, who was 9 at the time says, " It's Terrorist!"
I could see the fear on Raechel's face and I said, "no, it is just an accident." I kissed Raechel and let her out for school. Ashleigh crawled into the front seat.
Now, we are driving across town and I question Ashleigh on what she knows about Terrorist. Ashleigh looks at me and says, "well I remember when they blew up the building in Oklahoma City. Plus I heard you and Dad talk about people trying to blow up that building before. I'm telling you mom, it is Terrorist."
I thought, wow I really got to watch what you say around kids because she was diffenantly listening. Again, I tried to reassure her but then as we pulled up to her school they came on the radio again saying the second building had been hit but a plane. Ashleigh was all bounce in her seat, "I TOLD YOU IT IS TERRORIST, MOM!!!"
I looked at her and told her she was probably right. I debated taking her home but the school seemed unconcerned at that time so, I left her. Ashleigh was just jumping around telling all her friends, "the Terrorist were attacking." Most of them had no clue what she was talking about.
I went home to get ready for work. Of coarse the TV was on the whole time. I quickly got into my car to hurry to work. I worked at the local mall at Zales. Again they came on the radio and said the Pentagon was now struck and America was under attack. I got to work and of coarse the only people at the mall that day was us workers. Across the hall was a Foot Locker and they had their TV's on and many of us gathered there and watched the Towers burn and then collapse. Raechel called me at work crying when they fell. The classrooms had their TV's on and the kids were watching it to. Then mall management came around and said Malls across the country were receiving bomb threats and they had decided to close this mall for safety. That was around 11:30am. As I was closing the store Ashleigh called, the schools were closing as well. I picked up the girls and went home. I remember holding them thinking the world was coming to an end. You just don't know how long things will last.
I know this I will never forget that day and the little 9 year old girl who was sharp enough to figure out what was happening that day in an instant. She was just that smart. Every year she would remind me that she was right and how she was still so heartbroken for everyone who died that day. Her heart was just that big. I wish she was still here to remind me but since she isn't I thought why not share the memory. So, here it is.....not just my 9/11 story but hers as well.
— with Ashleigh Lindsey.
I can tell it is going to be one of those weeks already. Have a Statis Hearing this Thursday, with Joshua Scott over the knives made in his cell that more than likely get postponed again. I go to every hearing anyway because you never know what is going to happen. I got a bill in the mail again for Ashleigh. I would like to know.....how many times do I have to call these people and explain that my daughter is dead? She is not going to be able to pay that bill, I don't care how many statements you send me. I hate that I call them everytime and they say they are "so sorry" and will take care of the account, yet here we are.......just absolutely frustrating. Worst of all, this Friday will be the first Friday the 13th since Ashleigh passed away. I'm not sure how to feel, yet. Prayed about it a lot today. Sometimes certain emotions come, sadness, anger, hate, loneliness etc.......those times are easier to deal with than when you have Every Emotion hit you all at once. I think this week is going to be one of those that you just can't explain and only someone who has lost a child so violently can understand. I guess that is why I have relied on God so heavily. He knows what that is like to watch a child die so violently. Yet, Jesus did that willingly for us. Gave his life. I still consider myself blessed because I will be with Ashleigh again. I just miss her so much now!
This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.