I find myself this week daily fighting to not uncontrollably cry or to feel this overwhelming panic every time the phone rings. This week began the daily horror that lead up to Ashleigh's murder. Each day I struggle not to replay that exact day from last year over in my head. And I'm afraid everyday will be like that till July 13th comes. So, today this very moment I've decided to stop fighting my emotions and just let it all out. Everyday between now and July 13th maybe painful to endure and I maybe what people will deem over emotional but at least I will feel. At least I have loved someone worth those feelings and God has never left my side to comfort me. Ashleigh is always with me in my heart. I think letting it out and to just rage and cry made it easier to see how many blessings still surround me and my family.
My daughter Raechel and I had a very emotional hour filled with tears. I was watching one of my favorite shows that Ashleigh got me watching......anyway the ending was so unexpected. A pregnant women got stabbed in the belly and I just lost it. So many memories of Ashleigh washed over me in a second and I just cried. It didn't help that one year ago today Joshua beat her and kicked her in the stomach and then tied her up. It was on my mind all day and I couldn't shake it. Then my phone rang and it was Raechel crying. She had watched the show and it triggered the same thing in her. I felt less crazy by her call. We cried and talked till we laughed about Ashleigh. Funny the things that will trigger the pain in your heart. Thankfully, Raechel and I had each other tonight.
This picture was sent to me last night by one of Ashleigh's roommates. It was taken only hours before she was murdered. You can see the toll taken on her from the stress, morning sickness and dehydration. That last week she was so sick. We were relieved that she was going to the shelter. This was taken while her friends were giving her a goodbye party. I remember the tears every night out of concern for her health and life. The non-stop calls from Joshua keeping us all afraid. But her beautiful smile never changed. I miss her but at least she is scared no more. Thank you Jeannie for sending me this!
My mind is thinking of 2 Mother's Days with Ashleigh. My first one Ashleigh and her sister Raechel gave me the best present ever. They sang together for me at church. My friend working the sound booth recorded it and gave me a copy. The video link below you can go hear her singing that song. At the end Ashleigh says," I love you Mommy." I've played that video hundreds of times just to hear her voice say "I love you." again.
Then there is last years Mothers Day. Josh and her w...ere suppose to come over but they didn't. They called and said they would be over the next day on Monday and send the night. Then late Sunday she called and said it would just be her. Monday morning came and she wasn't here. I tried to call but there was no answer. So, I told Raechel that I just knew something was wrong and I left to make the over an hour drive to get my daughter. Half way there she passed me. She didn't see me but I turned around, trying to catch up with her. About 3 miles from the house I caught up to her on the old gravel cut off road. She was pulled over to the side picking wild roses growing on the roadside. I remember the sunlight in her hair and her beautiful smile as I stopped. I asked her if the truck was ok; what was she doing? She started to cry. She said,"momma, I left him. He took all our money, $400 and lost it al drinking and at the casino. He didn't want me to come at all for Mothers Day and he broke my phone so I couldn't call you. He let me come because I convinced him that with the phone gone you would show up there so, he let me go. I can't go back. I don't even have any money to buy you a gift. That is why I stopped to pick these......it is the only thing I can give you. I love you so much!"
That was the first time she left him and told us of his abusing her. The beginning of the nightmare. But what a beautiful memory of that moment of my little girl picking wild pink roses. The best Mothers Day gift I had ever gotten because it was from her heart.
This year should have been her first Mothers Day with Patience. I miss and love them so much.
My Ashleigh at 4 months old. I think a lot about Patience lately and what she would be like. She would be 4 months right now. I picture her as beautiful as her Mommy but with Aunt Raechel's temperament, trying to out do her cousins and she would have Jim so wrapped around her little finger. But then I think of the time here as temporary and I look forward to the eternity we will one day have together. My faith gives me hope!
I have this song that Ashleigh loved stuck in my head today. It is probably because of what happened last night on Facebook. I can't fathom the kind of hate that took her life let alone others who threaten directly on her RIP. So everyone knows he did contact Jim and apologized for his behavior after he finally read what happened to her, Patience and Chad. I hope he has learned something and I will pray for him.
"If everyone cared"......this one is for you Ashleigh. I will play it from underneath our pecan tree on the night of the meteor shower and know you are still watching the stars with me. You just get a better view now. And I will remember our conversations about God and the universe. I will think of how you wanted to change the world and your pretty little voice singing to me under the stars. How great your hugs were when we came in and said goodnight. Precious were those moments we shared under the stars, watching the moon eclipse, just us talking about everything. This song is like someone saw those moments and wrote a song just for us. This one is for you beautiful girl. I love you!
Nickel back *~*If Everyone Cared*~*
There are absolutely no words to describe the darkness that befalls you when your child dies. There is no light; the laughter in life is gone. Life goes from busy and noisy with the demands of family to the silence. You want to rise out of this world of death, past the whispered “that poor family” the endless"I'm sorry". The only problem is that life has no "normal"after you lose a child. We moved like zombies, no longer living life but living death. We found it impossible to inexplicably have Ashleigh stripped from ourlives, somehow deal with the permanence that she and the baby were murdered. Books told me that our family would get over these awful feelings. I didn't want toget over losing her. I prayed about it. I just didn't believe that following the rules of death would bring us back to life again.
When we finally got through the shock stage & grief consumed me. Then I drifted into little reminders of Ashleigh's life. Her favorite song on the radio.Her favorite musical on cable. A favorite story shared by a friend. What might be painful encounters for many actually felt like little hellos to me. It was a rebirth of the funny, active young woman with whom I wanted to stay in my heart, and further away from the details of the murder, which physically took her from our lives. The more I looked forsigns and symbols of Ashleigh's life, the more they came our way. Instead of spending my days in bed under the covers, I found myself looking for hope and a continued connection to our little girl. It would've been easier to say goodbye and let go of her place in our lives. Instead, we worked hard to find healthy ways to keep her close.
Some of the signs we've received over the past 9 months have been quite impressive, and we acknowledge them as confirmation that Ashleigh, our little guardian angel, is watching over us. The needs of her friends to escape the same violence. Rainbows at the most unlikely of times. Seeing her during my accident on the way to Raechel’s Wedding. Getting such blessings that kept passing her story along till finally now it is in Cosmo. And soon forever immortalized in song and a documentary. Along the way I hear Ashleigh tell me that she andGod are proud of the work we are doing.
I started to call our steps toward hope and healing, "moving forward but hanging on." Going on without Ashleigh & Patience cheated us all. Moving forward with them still spiritually and symbolically close was the true answer for our family. Following this path led us in a new direction on theroad of grief, one in which our daughters murder is saving others’ lives. We areliving life again, not death. I began telling the story of our journey back tolight and life after the darkest days we ever knew. It is not a tale of miracles that can bring back our beloved daughter and her baby or how moms canturn tragedy into triumph with a kiss on the forehead. It is, however, thetruth of what good can happen when you decide that you love someone so much,you just can't say goodbye. I feel that it's especially true when the someone you've lost is your child.
Love you Ashleigh & Patience……Mommy
Cosmopolitan Article Cowgirl Up Song A.P.P. Documentary
Ashleigh Lindsey's 1st Easter. She was to little to hunt eggs. Big sissy Raechel Burkard was keeping her busy making her laugh while we all got dressed for Church. Very sad because Patience should be this age right now having her first Easter. But at least my faith gives me the knowledge that we will all be together again and this this being apart is only temporary. Happy Easter little Patience, I love you!
I was going thru news links for the website.....which by the way come Sunday will have a new look, thanks to my friend Colleen who has been working hard on it for me........anyway I saw this old news article with Ashleigh's picture on it. I remember how proud of her I was for speaking out. She was always one to champion the weak or the voiceless. She had such a big beautiful heart. It just reminds me how we all can take from her strength now that she is voiceless and speak out to end domestic violence.
Tomorrow will be my first Birthday without you singing to me. I think of your beautiful voice and how much you loved to sing.You always had to sing louder than everyone else whether it was on stage or in the car. Sing loud for me tonight pretty girl! Louder than all the people on earth combined; louder than the Angels in Heaven .....loud enough that Mommy can hear you tonight. Or maybe sing to me in my dreams....It would be the best birthday present ever. I miss you so much! I love you, Ashleigh Marie.....
Finally feeling more like myself after the wedding and the accident. I can not lie, yesterday was really hard to get thru. Last St. Patericks Day, Joshua proposed to Ashleigh while the whole family was together bowling. I came across the pictures I took of them on my phone. It was so hard to look at them both smiling and happy. I kept asking myself, "How....how could he do this to her and himself? How could he leave both families in all this pain? How could he take little Patience life?" I guess it will be a long time before I get those questions answered. Raechel and I talked about what we could have done different that day. What would have happened if we would have expressed our concerns and not pretended and gave our permissions. Hard to live on what if's....especially when it would have changed nothing. What a waist of a beautiful life. I miss her a lot!
I went to bed last night with a vision of you next to me. I slept like a log all night because I felt you were with me. When I awoke this morning to see if it were real or a dream, reality hit me that it was only a dream. I have always been a very strong person but, as you can plainly see, I am hopelessly lost, like a little child that's been alone too long. On occasion, though, I can hear you in the house and, for a moment, like the poet said, "All's right with the world." I haven't thanked you lately for shining that light on my life. Your ghost keeps me company for a few seconds every once in a while. I wake up in the morning, and hear you in the kitchen, or in the shower, or I can smell your perfume, but it's just the ghost again. But I thank God every time I feel it, because when I am apart from my girl, I learn to appreciate the little things we shared, even more than before.You are my sunrise and sunset, every single day. You are my heart and soul--never have I met anyone with your kind spirit and loving heart. I am truly sorry if I have ever let an opportunity slip by without letting you know how special you were. Ashleigh, even though we are apart, my heart is always with you, and we are together. As long as we have the memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits us. As long as we love, each day is not a waste, and waiting will prove to be worthwhile.I will love you always. Mommy
Today, Jim took me to the car so we could get mine and Raechel's thing that were in the car out. I was going to take pictures but forgot. I started crying seeing again all the glass, how far the roof came in, the things that should have hit me and never touched me and how close I came to being in a body bag on Raechel's wedding day. Still sore and bruised from the seat belt. My air bags didn't deploy. Thank God because that would have really hurt me. Epsom salts have become my best friend not to mention I have the greatest husband taking care of me. I'm ready for the headache to go away.
This picture of Ashleigh I had made into a key chain. It is my "happy place picture". Every time I look at it I smile. After the wreck when they got the keys out of the car and handed them to me, I noticed my picture was missing. I was very upset about it being gone. Jim said we would find it later in the car. It was not there......found it a little later......it was in my purse. How wonderful is that? I am truly blessed.
Well, Raechel Lindsey Now Burkhard is married and I have a son. Getting a lot of messages so everyone knows yes I'm hurting this morning but it is not bad. Very grateful to be here today.
For those who don't know on the way to the wedding I lost control of my car on the gravel road about a mile away from the wedding. The car spun out about 4 times around, hit an embankment and the car rolled twice landing upside down. But I was able to get out......no major injuries. I hit my head and my knee and hurt. Today my shoulder, from the seat belt, and my hip hurt. My toes are bruised on one foot. I guess I jammed them. It is the foot that my shoe came off in the roll when my knee hit the dash.
I really don't know how I walked away with so little injuries once I saw the car. All but one window busted out and the roof collapsed down everywhere but around me. Which I don't understand because my side hit the most. But I know God protected me. When the car flipped I turned and looked at the passenger seat and I saw Ashleigh Lindsey. I know that sounds crazy but I did......in that moment she was with me. Jim said the driver floor mat got thrown out on the driver side door. I never saw it. It never touched me. I came forward enough and the roof just around the windshield came in that all I saw was glass all around me. My on the back, upper leftside hit the vizier. I believe if I wouldn't have turned my head toward Ashleigh at that moment I would have hit the windshield face first. An ambulance came and they checked me out. I gave everyone a good scare. I scared myself as well. But I got to the wedding and everything was beyond beautiful. My daughter was so happy.
Ashleigh, it has been 7 months since I saw you last and I miss you with all my heart and soul. Many people are moving on with their lives which is the way life is and should be. My path is a little different and some people understand, others don't. That is ok as well. I don't completely understand what things God has in the future for me but I know as your Mother, I can never give up. Ive been told that a lot lately......to give up because Domestic Violence will never end. Or that I should leave the police, DA and courts to handle justice.....that laws will never change. So, I looked up the definition of "give up" and this is what I found......Noun 1. giving up - a verbal act of admitting defeat, yielding, surrenderrelinquishing, relinquishment - a verbal act of renouncing a claim or right or position etc.2. giving up - the act of forsaking, forsaking, forgoing, forswearing, renunciation - the act of renouncing; sacrificing or giving up or surrendering (a possession or right or title or privilege etc.)It is no wonder I strain with the whole concept of "giving up". As you know it is not in me to admit defeat and I would not forsake you. What is worse it is against everything I taught you as a parent. At some point in the various journeys we embark on in our lives, we get to a part where we feel like giving up. Sometimes we give up before we even start and other times we give up just before we are about to make that huge break-through that we have been putting so much effort in to achieve. The only valid excuse I have to give up is if I am dead. As long as I'm alive and healthy and free, I have the choice to keep trying until I finally succeed.I still remember telling you and your sister so many times things like......The chance of mastering something the first time you do it is almost non-existent. Everything takes time to learn and you will make mistakes. Learn from them. Every time you get knocked down, get back up. You are stronger than you think. One little setback is not enough to stop you from achieving your goals. Neither are 10 or 100 or 1000 setbacks. You don’t want to be known as someone that is weak and gives up. Go out there and prove yourself to the world and to yourself. You CAN and WILL achieve what I set out to do. The only time you fail is if You give up. Don’t sell yourself short. In life there are going to be many people who will try to bring you down and tell you what you want to achieve is not possible. Don’t let anyone destroy your dreams. Etc... My PawPaw taught me those life lessons that I in turn passed on to you. And I told you to let the people you love and who mean the world to you be your inspiration to persist and persevere. And that when you achieve whatever you set out to achieve you can use your success to make a difference to the world or other peoples lives. Don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have success. Keep that mindset and never give up until you reach your destination! Be an inspiration to others by refusing to give up. Who knows what someone else can achieve because you never gave up and in turn inspired them not to give up. These things I said before Josh took your life to try to help keep you going.Let me, let you in on a little secret my darling daughter. During all the madness and fear I was inspired by you strength. I still see you wearing your little bracelet on your wrist. The one you bought the day you left Josh. It said, "Cowgirl Up" and you wore it as a reminder to stay strong. Even as the world was falling apart around us, your little body would not give up for the love of your little Patience. You held out for her....and Never Gave Up! I do not see you as giving up by leaving after I told you that Patience was gone. I know you fought to the end and went to be with her. She needed you more than I did anyway. The doctors would have pulled you off the machine within that hour anyhow. No....you went on your own terms which is how you lived your life. I'm proud of you!I believe that of all the women put in this world, that is why I was meant to be your Mommy. Just like you never gave up on Patience, I can never give up on you. I will seek justice and if that means fighting laws till I'm blue in the face, so be it. I will fight for your rights and be your voice when all others are silent. I will tell your story to save others just as you have asked me to in my dreams. And the only thing I will surrender to is God's will for he is my strength during this journey. My promise to you is I will always remember to "Cowgirl Up".....Till the day that I can hold you in my arms again because, I know you're with me always...Love,Mommy
In the quiet hospital room, in the dim moonlight, Some mother's young daughter, she died over-nightFrom a gunshot wound to the head, she was covered in blood Not a single word is spoken, only tears that flood She was only twenty, so young for one to dieWhen the warm winds of Summer blew across the darkened skyWith hardly any protection to shield her from the boldSome are born to die young, some die gray and old.Some broken hearted mother is in tears todayFor her beautiful daughter who died in such a tragic wayThe baby she gave birth to who suckled from her breastIt was not her fault she died in this way for her she did her best.Some mother's young daughter in a morgue today. In grave they will bury her, she died where she layLife for her may have been different if he would have let her goBut easily said on hindsight how things might have been and we will never know. Some mother's young daughter is beyond all careWith the gleam of youth still in her dark brown hair I wish it was some other mother’s daughter, but sadly it was mine Six months ago today I lost the most divine.
Little butterfly, you fly so softly. You flutter your wings twice, in the blink of an eye and catch a nuance of the summer breeze, carrying you from the horses in the fields. To your favorite Magnolia trees you float up, as the air tilts you. I admire your beauty as you fly near. Butterfly, you fly so softly when you watch the children smile and play, you make my heart skip a beat and then it settles down and I feel blessed with serenity. With such unearthly grace and dignity butterfly, you fly so softly. I fall in love with you a thousand times. Then you smile at me with your perfect pearly smile and I wish I could change shape and fly by your side. Butterfly, you fly so softly, I imagine your heartfelt hugs in flight. As you we fly toward the light you land on my shoulder and look up at me. I see love in your pretty blue eyes. Your spirit is always here with me I realize and then you smile and twitch your wings and fly but your love with us does ever stay. Butterfly, you fly so softly with love that touches so many hearts. Your graceful love is never far. You’re still my beautiful star and in dreams we share our lives ,these humble earthly lives and make the best of life as you showed us how. I know somehow you always send your kisses and I know you would never abandon me. Butterfly, you fly so softly that sometimes my heart breaks when you're away. I wait on the bench in the garden for you but you come and go too quickly and the wait for your return feels forever. Butterfly, you fly so softly, how I know somehow we will share more moments but, I dare not say for fear you will fly away. As you fly in and out of memory, I sometimes cry and pray. But end up smiling because of you, your graceful magic is never broken and because of your love, my heart shall not grow cold. But I will miss you Butterfly.
It doesn't seem like 4 months has gone by. I miss you Ashleigh Lindsey. I'll never forget.......your dark brown hair and how it gently cradled your shoulders. Your smile was more exquisite than northern lights and your voice so delightful and timid at times I'll never forget.......that very last glimpse of you so full of life, seeing so much of me in you. Though years apart we had a kindred sp...irit of a mother and daughter so much a like. I'll never forget........Holding the infant years before and what we were then. You were the crystal vase that needed protection, so small and fragile. I'll never forget........Longing to feel just one more time. The love of your big bear hugs. I'll never forget........ Knowing that could never be because the end of that embrace would be the end of you in this life. And in that thought I'd never let you go. I'll never forget........Touching your innocent hand And kissing your cheek. I had to make it good because this would have to last through all the years of grief. I'll never forget.......Thinking this is it and soon nothing of you on this earth would be. I would have no one there to hold. All that I am wanted to stay with you. I'll never forget.......Watching the box that held what I loved, lowered in stone. To see them cover you in layers of dirt forever gone. I'll never forget.......How it was to not feel, like you I felt nothing. As I stood in the sun I could feel my coffin around my heart enclosed down upon me. I'll never forget.......Wanting so bad to climb aboard and join your journey. What I would have gave to lay beside you and watch light fade to dark. I'll never forget.......My world ripped and torn to pieces in those brief moments. You were my foundation without you I crumbled. I'll never forget........The day you left me and I know I shouldn't cry, for that was not our end, and this is not my goodbye. So, wait at the gate to continue our journey to never be parted again.
Ashleigh's story shared by Domestic Violence Crime Watch Remembering...Ashleigh Marie Lindsey, 20
Ashleigh Lindsey, and her unborn daughter, Patience, died Friday July 13th, 2012 in Kingston, Oklahoma. Ashleigh, who was four months pregnant, was fatally shot by her 29 year-old former boyfriend,... Joshua Mahaffey. Ashleigh had dated Mahaffey just six months but ended the relationship after he began abusing her and became violent. As she broke free, and authorities sought to arrest Mahaffey for domestic assault and battery, he managed to evade them, yet continued to threaten and stalk Ashleigh and even enlisted the help of a friend, Joshua Scott, to help him do it. Ashleigh sought help from the police, from a domestic violence program, was granted a protective order, and also changed her phone numbers and tried to move around to try to avoid him.
On the day of Ashleigh's death, Mahaffey's friend, Joshua Scott, fatally shot his mother's 43 year-old boyfriend, Chad Page, stole his car, then drove to pick Mahaffey up and, together, they headed to Ashleigh's home. Around 2 pm, as Ashleigh was preparing to work one final shift before entering a domestic violence shelter, both men broke into her home, one coming in the front door, the other through the back door. Mahaffey shot her twice with the same gun his friend used earlier to kill Page. He then killed himself. Tragically, Ashleigh, and her baby, died that night at a hospital. Ashleigh loved music, singing, dancing, acting and fishing.
Joshua Scott has been arrested and faces multiple charges related to all three deaths. He may face the death penalty.
To my darling Patience who will never be born:
It may seem odd to begin a letter with a farewell to someone who never was born, someone who will never will be. But I needed to find a way to say goodbye to you, Patience, because even though we never had the chance to say hello, you’ve always been a part of me. You’ve been with me – the idea of you – my whole life. As far back as I can remember, I ...
expected you. I spent my life preparing for the act of being a grandmother to you. I carried the potential of you, close to my heart, and in quiet moments I have loved to savor the imagining of you. But now, through the whims of stupidity and hate it seems you are simply not to be.
I am sad to have lost the opportunity to know you. I feel an empty hollow in the place I’ve always reserved for you. After a lifetime of expecting you, I’m struggling to let go of the idea of you, and with that, the idea of us as grandmother and granddaughter. Having felt you so keenly in my life, have expected you so fully, the reality of life without you still perplexes me slightly. “What do you mean I’ll never have a granddaughter?” It’s like trying to imagine a world without the color purple. Purple has always been there; purple belongs in the color scheme of life.
I like to imagine that you would have been like your mother, but better. The best of her distilled, and improved upon by that which would have been uniquely you. You would have been precocious, and willful, and you would have kept your doting cousins wrapped around your little finger. You would have grown into a strong and capable woman, and you would have become, with the passage of the years, my friend as well as my granddaughter. We would have shared things that only us would have known about and you couldn't have shared with your mom. I would have treasured our unique relationship as much as I treasure the relationship I had with your mother. Especially the relationship I had with my own grandmother– a relationship I could only hope to replicate, as it would be impossible to improve upon it.
It may seem to be a little strange to say goodbye to someone who never was born, who never will get the chance to be born. But to me, you were as real as the sunrise, as real as the stars that shine at night. I can’t touch those things either, but that hasn’t stopped me from believing in them. But now, after a lifetime of anticipating you, I relinquish you to the stars and banish the idea of you to the speculation of long, dark nights. What might have been, what will not be. In the darkest of those nights, I think of two lost souls, you and your mother, and I wonder. I wonder if you will know me when we finally meet. I wonder if you will love me as instantly as I have you.
But now, finally, it’s time to say goodbye to you Patience, as I embrace with my whole heart the idea of spending my life missing what might have been. I’ll have to adjust my sense of self, too, my sense of how my life will unfold from here. But my heart is full, and I have more blessings in my life than I ever dared hope for because in the end I do have a granddaughter. And today on the three month Anniversary of you Patience Lynn and your beautiful mothers death I want you to know how much I love and think of you both.
Goodbye, my beautiful Patience Lynn till the day we can finally meet. Ashleigh Marie hold on to Patience tight and give her a kiss for me.
I want to thank everyone for their love, sympathy and prayers during the last few months after losing my daughter. We still have many trails and court dates to face so I ask you to please kept us in your thoughts. At the same time I want everyone here to know that I still receive messages of Ashleigh's story changing and saving lives. That is my prayer and I know it is what Ashleigh wants as well.... I encourage you all to not be afraid to use my daughters story to save those you love. That is partly why this page was created. Feel free to share it with anyone who is in a situation of Family Violence. Share it with your daughters as an example of what love is not so they have a reference to make good choices in relationships. Lastly for those who have been abused in Domestic Violence let your story be heard. Make a difference and don't be ashamed. Now I have to be my daughters voice and if I can speak out during the worst pain I can imagine with losing a child let alone a grandchild how much more do you have inside of you? Raise Awareness! I love you Ashleigh and Patience!
I never shared this picture because the dress is suppose to be not seen till the wedding day. Tomorrow was the day she should have worn this. She was so excited to be getting married.
Last night I was distraught. 2 months ago today my precious youngest daughter passed away. I went into my truck of my car to get something out and her clothes I picked up last week were still there. I hadn't had the heart to bring them in the house yet. Anyway the trunk open and it immediately hit me.......her smell. I looked down and I could envision her in the things she use to wear and I found ...myself hugging her clothes as if she was in them. My heart was torn in two for she was not there. I was crying out loud looking up to the night sky praying she would somehow magically fill them so I could hug her just once more. Of coarse it didn't happen and I just shut the trunk, leaving her clothes behind. It was all to much. I came in in house and prayed for comfort and then got on my IPad looking at facebook and the news till I feel asleep with it on my lap in bed. I turn it back on the morning and this is what was on it when I opened the internet..........A shadow of joy flickered; it is me. I told you I wouldn't leave. My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart. I still love you. Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned. I am in the Light. In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~ these are the places I stay with you. My spirit rises every time you pray for me, but my energy comes closer to you. Love does not diminish; it grows stronger. I am the feather that finds you in the yard, the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind, I place our memories for you to see. We lived in our special way, a way that now has its focus changed. I still crave your understanding and long for the many words of prayer and good fortune for my soul. I am in the Light. As you struggle to adjust without me, I watch silently. Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world to make you notice me. Impressed by your grief, I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness. As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help. You should know that the fountain of youth does exist. My soul is now healthy. Your love sends me new found energy. I am adjusting to this new world. I am with you and I am in the Light. Please don't feel bad that you can't see me. I am with you wherever you go. I protect you, just as you protected me so many times. Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you. Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference. Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference. Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes. I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed. This can be done because I am in the Light. When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come. My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth. Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had when we were together in the physical sense. You owe this to me, but more importantly, you owe it to yourself. Life continues for both of us. I am with you because I love you and I am in the Light. -- Author Unknown It was on a page of poetry with this poem. I don't know how it got there because I sure wasn't on it. I had to share because I felt it just wasn't me she was speaking to but all of us she loved and loved her. I love and miss you so much Ashleigh Lindsey!
This would have been such a help to Ashleigh. Invisible Village.... what a bleesing!"Mom he is going to kill me! Send me somewhere to hide! I can't stay with family he will find me and kill us all!" These were the desperate words that my daughter, Ashleigh Lindsey, scream and cried over the phone just 5 days before her ex ...boyfriend and a buddy broke into the house that she had been hiding at for few weeks. She was 4 months pregnant, and this was the 3rd friend's house who had offered to help hide her.
Over those 5 days, Ashleigh and I called her local crisis center and her DA Advocate. We arranged to get her into a shelter where she thought he would be less likely to find her. I believe he still would have found her. What was needed was a place totally off the radar. A place where she could hide and have her baby in total safety. Ashleigh needed to become INVISIBLE!
Since Ashleigh and my unborn granddaughter, Patience, death I have talked to an unbelievable amount of women in the same situation. They have no hope of being free other than death itself because they need to be INVISIBLE! That is why the Invisible Village Project is so important to support. No woman should feel the fear Ashleigh experienced the final days of her life. I feel it is important to remove the misconception that a woman being abused can just leave and that makes her safe or that friends/family can protect them from their abuser. We as a community can help by supporting such places. Death is too final a way to become invisible!
Shared by Tara Woodlee, mother of Ashleigh Lindsey who was murdered by her abusive ex-boyfriend on July 13, 2012. ~ R.I.P. Ashleigh Marie Lindsey
I miss you so and cannot wait for the day when I can hold you in my arms.
The day you left has been my saddest and I have been counting the days until we can be together again.
I am growing flowers in my garden and as they bloom it reminds me of how our love grew. From just one tiny seed ...into the very beautiful blossom had become you.
I dream of your perfect face each and every night and of your tender kisses and warm embraces.
The ones only a tender little girl could give to her mommy.
You were so much fun and I am afraid I will have to learn how to live and have fun again.
I am so grateful you came into my life for without you, my life would have been empty of all inspiration.
There would have been no work of art for me to gaze at in your face, no person of greatness before me deep in your soul, no timeless melody to listen to because of your voice.
Without you life would have existed in shades of gray instead of vibrant colors, and I will be less than whole.
Even then a piece of me has gone with you and will not return till we are together again.
I'm laying here in the dark alone, with images of you in my mind.
Your warmth, kindness, laughter and the long talks we would have together.
I wonder where you are, what you are doing now that you are not with me.
Are you thinking of me, are you wondering the same? I can't go through a day without talking to you.
I pretend that I'm touching your face with my hand or stoking your hair like when you were sick to make it all better.
My head tells me God has you safe and happy but my heart still tells me that you need me for comfort.
I still see my little girl needing her mothers love to wipe it all away but truth is your mother is the one in pain and not you.
So, I have to put it in yours and God's hands now to help me make it thru the day and especially the nights.
Don't worry, I promised it was ok to go and that I would be alright. I meant it darling daughter.
I just didn't say how hard it was going to be without you everyday.
I love you Ashleigh, with everything I have in my heart.
One in three women is victimized by domestic violence at some point in her life.
An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
85% of domestic violence victims are women.
Only one in five victims with physical injuries seeks medical treatment.
Only about half of domestic violence incidents are reported to police.
Almost all of ...the perpetrators of domestic violence say that they will stop. But most don't. The violence usually gets worse.
All women who are victims of domestic violence are at risk of being murdered by their abusers.
And one out of every four women who are the victims of domestic violence attempt suicide.
240,000 pregnant women are subject to domestic violence
40% of assaults begin during the first pregnancy
Pregnant women are twice the risk of battery
Homicide was found to be the leading cause of death for pregnant women
81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner; 31% are also sexually assaulted by that partner.
The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.
Domestic violence is always wrong, and it is a crime.
And there is never an excuse for domestic violence. Never.
All perpetrators of domestic violence are cowards and criminals.
The women who are victimized by these heinous crimes feel trapped and confused. The abuser not only physically attacks the woman, but also psychologically attacks her. The verbal attacks are meant to control the victim, and to try to strip her of her self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-love. The perpetrator also often wants the woman to believe that she is at fault for the violence and the verbal abuse.
Many domestic violence victims try to change their behavior (even though they are not doing anything wrong) because the horrible attacks leave them hopeless, helpless, and confused. But there really is nothing that the victims can do to stop the violence, because they are dealing with a selfish, cruel criminal who does not have a conscience. All of the blame is on the criminal--the cowardly perpetrator of the domestic violence--not on the victim.
The horrible crime of domestic violence often results in a woman isolating herself and becoming clinically depressed.
Reform is needed in our laws to protect victims. Sign a petition (for those who have already Thank You) contact a Congressman, or Senator (after all they work for us) express concern with the media ( write a letter or email). Not everyone can volunteer a day to help victims but most of us can easily do these other things to make a change.
My daughter was my heart and soul. That baby was to be a blessing. Without change their lives were just tragic. Let's not forget Life has meaning!
If you are a victim of domestic violence, please get help immediately.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at
TDD - 1-800-787-3224
The best way to end domestic violence is to leave the criminal abuser.
Go to a shelter if you need to.
Stay with family if you need to.
Stay with friends if you need to.
But please get help immediately, and please protect yourself and your children (if you have any).
Please get help now.
Remember that there is never an excuse for domestic violence. Never.
You deserve a better life.
You are a great person.
Take care of yourself.
God bless you and keep you safe!
Tara Woodlee (Ashleigh's Mom)
This is a chronicle of the grieving process at the murder of my daughter, Ashleigh Marie Lindsey and her unborn Baby Patience Lynn. They call the parentless child an orphan & the married person who loses their mate a widow/widower but what do they call a parent who loses a child? There is no word given for the parent who have seen this kind of untimely death.
Website by Ashleigh's Patience Project