Random Thoughts of a Grieving Mother in a Wal-Mart
I hate going in here anymore. Ugh….just get in and out and I will be fine. I walk in the door and already I AM NOT FINE! Why do the young ladies clothing section have to be up front? Don’t look, don’t look. No, why did I look! Wow, t...hat is just too cute and the color would be so perfect with her skin tone. Ashleigh would just love this and it would be great with the shoes I got her back last……..
What are you doing? Just put it back on the rack. Don’t lose it and cry. Just get what you came for today. Ok, I will just get a cart and get some groceries. Start at the back and just work my way out. I got to get eggs, milk, cheese…oh look, string cheese! Why am I shaking? You know why, because every time Ashleigh and I were grocery shopping she would beg for string cheese. “Mommy please, please, please. It is only a quarter.” She would eat it as soon as we got to the car. Oh no, I’m crying and it’s over string cheese of all things. People are looking at you. Get it together! Shopping shouldn’t be this hard! Just hurry through the isle to the opposite side.
Ugh…..this is even worse. I’m in the BABY SECTION!!!!!!! How did I get here? Well, Raechel is pregnant and look at all the cute little girl things. This is pretty and this one too. Let’s get them. Yes, my grandbaby will need sleepers and booties and…….What is this? Babies first Christmas. I can get this pretty little dress and…no wait. The baby won’t be here till after Christmas. This would have been Patience’s first Christmas. Oh God another first of that precious baby’s life I am missing. I can’t buy these things. What if something happens? You still have all those Things you bought for Patience sitting at home that you have to look at and she never got to have. Can I do that again? You’re being stupid! Nothing will happen. Raechel is healthy. The baby is healthy. No, I still can’t, at least not today.
Hey, I haven’t seen her in a while. She is hugging me. Great! I need a hug right now. Just smile and be happy. Happy face, happy face. What did she really just ask me what I’ve been doing and just interrupt me? Yes, she did and just switched the subject. All I was talking about was how busy I’ve been with the organization. She almost looked panicked at the mention of Ashleigh’s name. Makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Ashleigh, Ashleigh, Ashleigh, ASHLEIGH!!!!! Let it go. You don’t know how to deal with losing Ashleigh half the time so why would I expect others to know how to respond. I just wish people wouldn’t act like she didn’t exist. I have lots of beautiful happy memories to share. Just nod and go about your shopping, Tara.
What is that song that is playing over the speakers? Will the Wal-Mart nightmare never end? She loved this song. Ashleigh sang this at the top of her lungs daily for a year back when she was 16 yrs. old. Hurry! Maybe, I can make it to the checkout before it ends. Of course, no such luck. The checkout girl recognizes me. That is nice she was a friend of my daughters and keeps up with her RIP Facebook. That is wonderful! She had a friend who left because of Ashleigh’s story. That makes this Wal-Mart trip bearable. Yes, Definitely worth the time. It was nice to hear her story of what my child meant to her. Roll out the door and to the parking lot. Sure wish you were here Ashleigh! I would make you unload this cart. LOL……smile and shut the trunk.