I count the nights I’ve slept well since the crime in the dozens, while the times that I’ve struggled for every hour of rest I could grab from the dreams that would wake me with eyes wide in anger or horror, in the hundreds. As far as my emotional wellbeing goes, this crime has shaken me to my core and beyond. I’m sure with more time I’ll continue to get better, and become the person I had planned to be. Ashleigh never will though, and that will never leave my thoughts.
This night is another night of firsts in a long line the last year. Ashleigh was murdered on a Friday the 13th. The truly unluckiest day of my life. They made over half a dozen horror movies with the title of that day. They use to scare me as a kid. Nothing compares when the horror is real. When can still see you child bathed in blood. It haunts my every waking hour tonight.
Worst of all I just want to know...WHY? I would give anything if Joshua Mahaffey could just answer that one word. But he took his own life as well. Why kill her? Why kill himself? Why kill that baby? WHY??? I'm just hollering into the empty night. It is one of those questions in life that you will never get an answer too. And even if I did would it be enough. I doubt it.
Forgive me...tonight I'm just ranting. I know where she is and that I'm the one who remains in pain. Tonight is just one of those nights that are worse than others. Tonight is just a night to just let the tears go and just feel the rage. And when I've had enough I will pray to see her in my dreams tonight. To see her smiling and happy so tomorrow I can wake up smiling.
Ashleigh I miss you! I can never look at a Friday the 13th ever the same again.